A Ruby's Shine (Thorin Oakenshield X OC)

136. Doubleblade

"Bifur, Bofur, Bombur? Why don't you three head back to Erebor, I think a certain set of ingredients are laid out for Bombur to make us all a nice dinner of bread and soup. Balin, Dwalin, Dori, Nori, Ori?" I heard Thorin say, closing my eyes tight as I shut out the sounds, trying to pull myself together with little success. Seeing Fairfin put to rest in his own specially designed grave... it ripped open the thin bandage I had placed over the turmoil and agony burning within me.

I wasn't aware of the sounds of the dwarves leaving, I wasn't aware of Gandalf guiding Bilbo along with them, I wasn't aware of how empty the clearing became until it was just me and Thorin.

I felt warm, strong arms surround me as I kept my back to Thorin, unable to control the tears. I closed my eyes, ducking my head as Thorin gently spun me around to face him as I sighed, took a deep breath, and looked up at Thorin with my tear stained face. I hated that Thorin was seeing me in tears once more, it is just not who I am and I hate looking this weak. But all I have felt these last few days is weak, powerless. Not a warrior but a coward trying to hide from her own emotions and her past.

Thorin stared at me with a soft, sad expression as he wiped away a tear on my cheek as I looked down in shame, ashamed at how weak I am right now.

"Tears are not a weakness, Ruby, and that you are willing to cry if front of me and ask for help shows that you are strong." Thorin whispered as I closed my eyes tight, a lump in my throat as I gave up holding it back, a sob escaping me as I banged my forehead against Thorin's chest, clenching my fists in the furs of the cloak around his shoulders as another, and another, and another sob broke free in an uncontrollable torrent of pain, of grief, and of silent pleading for help pulling myself free of this prison created by my own depression. Thorin pulled my cloak tighter around me before wrapping his cloak around my shoulders as well, hugging me to his chest as I cried and sobbed, finally summoning words that actually held my voice in them.

"Why won't... why won't it stop? Why won't the pain stop? I want it to stop... I can't take it anymore, it hurts... it hurts too much..." I sobbed out, wincing at the very weak words that just escaped me but I couldn't take it anymore, I am drowning under this pain, this grief. Thorin sighed painfully, as though he too was holding back a lot of emotions as he hugged me tighter to him, to the point where breathing was difficult it was the most whole I have felt in days as I buried my head in the furs on his shoulder and continued to sob painfully.

"The pain of loss never truly goes away, Ruby... it just fades with time. After I lost my father and grandfather, I turned to my sister and my nephews and found a way to be happy again. Don't pretend to be who you were, Philomena, you have changed. We all have changed. And I am here for you every step of the way, nothing you could say would make me leave your side now. You need me, you need us. Focus on the present, Ruby, don't get stuck in the past." Thorin whispered, shocking me with just how wise his words are as I calmed some, the sobs fading and the tears slowing some as I winced in actual pain, aware that my sudden actions pulled at the stitches of a few of the wounds Tauriel wrapped. Plus my vocal cords were sore from me unintentionally forcing my voice above a whisper, as they are not quite healed enough yet for be to talk well.

I took a few moments to compose myself, angry I was just so... emotional. I slowly pulled away, not meeting Thorin's eyes as I looked at Fairfin's burial site, wiping my nose, angry with myself as I sniffled, yet I laughed, a depressing little laugh, as I thought of something.

"Did you know that... while exploring Middle-Earth... Fairfin and I found a pretty tree flowering in spring? Like this one? Fairfin nearly refused to leave it because of the sweet berries that grew on it's branches." I chuckled, sniffling and wincing at how wobbly my voice was. I was tired of crying, I feel like I have cried more in the last few days than I have in my whole life. I closed my eyes as I took several deep breaths in an effort to force down the pain. This is not how Fairfin would want me to be.