Secret Mistake 3

104.

GIA POV

I should've said it... I'm so stupid for not saying it. I know he knew I wanted to say it. Saw it in his eyes as I stared at him. But I couldn't say it. I was scared to express that to him. Even though he's expressed love to me for the past twelve years. Actually let's erase like two years from that. So make it ten years. We can't count the two years he was bouncing from Bria to me.

Laying there as he slept. Hearing his soft snores against my ear. I couldn't sleep. Trust me I tried counting sheep but I made it to one hundred and ten and I wasn't falling asleep. My mind was racing!.

He doesn't love you!.

That's why you couldn't tell him you love him.

You're not lovable!.

You don't deserve love. Not his love!.

Closing my eyes tight and trying to erase this damn voices. "Go away!" I whispered. Delano must've heard me cause he opened his eyes "who are you talking to?".

"I must've been sleep talking" I lied. If I told him about these annoying voice he may not understand. Or he might think I'm a schizophrenic. And I'm far from that!.

"Gia you don't look like someone who just woke up" he said. I didn't respond. Getting up I let my legs swing over the side of bed. Delano sat up and watched me. "Are you okay?".

"Yeah, I'm fine" I lied. He grabbed my arm so I would have to look at him "you would tell me if something is was bothering you, right?".

I nodded "of course".

He stared at me for some more but eventually let me go. I stood up and went to the bathroom. Feeling like crap that I just flat out lied to him.

Useless!.

He should leave you and take the kids.

You don't deserve to be a mom.

The kids would be better off without you.

"SHUT UP!" I yelled. It went silent. The only thing I heard was knocking at the door "Gia? Open the door!". When I realized what I did I wanted to just smack myself. At this point Delano was about to break the door down. I opened the door to see him worried. "Who are you talking to?!".

"It won't stop!" I whispered.

"What?" He asked looking around the bathroom.

"The voices..." I said. He turned to me "What voices?".

"In my head... it sounds like my mother just putting me down" I said. Delano stood there not sure what to do. Closing my eyes cause I didn't want to cry. "What do these voices tell you?".

"I'm useless and unlovable. How you should leave me and take the kids. I should kill myself, etc" I said. He sighed "Gia don't believe any of those things. For one you are a good mom. Our kids are lucky to have a mom like you. Second, don't ever, ever believe that you should kill your self! And I'm not leaving you".

I smiled "you remember when you asked me if I ever tried to kill myself?. Well I almost did. I was fed up with being a punching bag. Locked myself in the bathroom and stared at myself for hours. Everything my mother has told me was repeating itself. I knew where she kept her pills. Emptying the bottle in my hand I counted to five and I couldn't do it. I wouldn't allow myself to put those pills in my mouth and swallow them".

Delano hugged me "thank you for trusting me enough to share that with me. But also know we all love and need you".

He walked me to the bed and laid down with me. Running his fingers in my hair soothing me. I felt like a burden. Instead of being my husband I feel like Delano is my caretaker. I was being the exact thing my mother was telling me. She claimed I was a burden on her. And I'm feeling that way with Delano.

Has my traumatic past caused me to be that messed up where there's no coming back? Sometimes I feel like I may have a mental illness. This can't be normal to always be okay... content and then boom I'm depressed. And I mean extremely depressed.

At this point, I may need medication to handle this. I don't want to be a burden on my husband or my children. I want to be okay for once. And I don't even know how that feels to be... normal.

Hearing Delano snores next to my ear. I should be sleeping too but I can't. I'm not even tired. Wishing my mind would just shut off so I could relax and fall asleep.

You're crazy just like your mother!.

Turning on the television I tried my best to distract my mind from hearing anything. Maybe watching something will put me to sleep.