After Forever & Ever

Chapter 83

Hardin-Present

There was a lot that was said that fucking killed me. She's planning on being a single mom...she's hates me...she hates being with me.

I know that isn't exactly how she feels or maybe it is. I don't really know actually but all I know is I put her through enough shit just this year like she said to last a damn lifetime and then some. And I tried to just bury it and accept the fact that although I have failed more than once I am trying.

I am fucking trying. When I was at Ken's I went through the motions. And I thought about the fact that he was a fuck up just like me and look where he's at. But I never forgave him. I never forgot.

And that Tessa is never going to forgive me.....
She is never going to forget.

So that's what she meant. So she might not really hate me now but she will. And she might not really hate being with me but she won't ever forget what I put her through.

And so when we got back to the apartment we got Emery situated. And we both laid down to go to bed.

I rolled into Tess and she was turned away from me. "I get why you said what you did. I'm never going to be mad about you being honest with me about how you feel and that may not be exactly how you feel but I do get it and I'm sorry."

No response so I lean over and realize she is fast asleep.

My next choice should have been to go to sleep....

But I didn't. I went into Emery's room I held her for a while just staring at her and I told her I love her and not to forget that.

And then I left...

I drove around for a while looking at all the Christmas lights not really knowing where I was going just wanted to clear my head. It even started snowing.

I end up stopping at this townie bar I used to hangout at back in the day.

It's basically empty but to be expected it is Christmas.

I have a seat at the bar. "What can I get you?" The bartender asks me. I feel like it's the same bartender from when we used to come here.

"Jameson neat." I respond.

...about 2 hours later so around midnight. I am basically telling this bartender my life story.

"Yea so then I came back to Seattle after 5 years and saw her for the time again at my step-brothers wedding.....except right before I came back I found  out I had cancer I almost died. Then.." I am stopped by a dude shaking the snow off his coat and when he goes to take it off I realize it's Zed.

"Hardin." He simply says as he sits down.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" I ask him.

He points to the bartender "Paige — told me my English friend was here and that he was pretty trashed." Zed responds.

"Okay so what does me being trashed have to do with you?" I ask him.

"I just want to make sure you will be able to go home to Tessa and your daughter tonight....the roads are getting pretty bad." He tells me.

"Piss off Zed....I'll be fine." I respond.

"I'll take a beer." Zed says to the bartender as he continues to sit next to me.

I try to pretend he isn't there but he doesn't shut up.

"Why are you here Hardin?..." he asks me.

"Why does it look like I'm here I am having a drink." I tell him.

"What happened to being sober?" He asks me.

"Coming from the guy who drugged me the week I got out of rehab." I respond.

"I'm sorry that was really fucked up....it all was. I messed up I wanted to be there for her but I know she's only ever going to want to be with you." He says to me.

I motion the the bartender for another and Zed says to her. "He has probably had enough."

This pisses me off. "That's fine I'll just go drink somewhere else..." I say to him as I get up and walk outside.

The snow is really coming down. "Hardin you can't drive." He says trying to grab my keys from my hand.

I push him to the ground. And he rushes to get up and then pushes me down.

At this point we are wrestling in the snow outside of this bar. I get on top of him and give him a good punch to the face that sends blood into the snow. Which not going to lie that felt really good.

He pushes me off of him and swings at me a few times and gets some solid hits in and he is able to pry the keys out of my hand.

I just lay in the snow for a while. It's a weird feeling I feel warm even though I am laying in some cold ass snow.

Next thing I know I am woken up to my phone buzzing in my pocket. It's Tessa. It's 3AM. And I am beyond fucked up.

I look around and I have no idea where I am at other than the fact that I am laying on someone's couch.

My eyes go heavy and I pass back out.

When I wake up again it's 7:30AM.... "you want some coffee?" Zed asks me.

"Fuck I was hoping me seeing you last night was not fucking real." I respond to him as he hands me a cup.

I look at my phone to see if there is more from Tessa but my phone is dead.

"Did you tell her I was here?" I ask him.

"No. I'm pretty sure she has me blocked." He responds.

"Can I use a charger?" I ask him.

"Yea...sure." He responds and hands me one.

I am not happy about where I am at right now and I still want to beat his ass...but it looks like I at least hit him based on how his face looks and so that's enough for me for right now.

"Go home to Tessa and your daughter Hardin. Whatever it is you can fix it." He says to me.

I ignore him. Finish my coffee. And grab my phone off the charger.

"I am sorry man....for everything." He says.

"Where are my keys?" I ask him.

"I have them but your car is still at the bar...I'll drive you to your car." He says to me.

"No just give me my keys. I'll walk" I tell him.

"It's like 5 miles away Hardin." He replies.

"That's fine." I say and grab my keys from him.

I pretty much regret my decision about 5 minutes into my walk when it's not only freezing but snow is up to my shins.

I pass a liquor store on the way and buy a mini bottle of jack. And finish it within minutes which at least made the rest of my hour and 45 minute walk somewhat tolerable. When I get to my car I blast the heat the second I get in to try and warm up.

I just sit for a while trying to feel my fucking fingers and toes....and think about what the fuck I'm going to do....