After Forever & Ever

Chapter 11

Tessa Present

48hours.

It's been 48 hours and the only time I have left this spot has been to go to the bathroom.

This is a process I guess....
Or that's what they keep telling us.

Because of the ventilator they have been keeping him sedated but they started weaning him this morning so they can have him try breathing on his own while the tube is still in and then they remove it if he does well.

It's been complicated with medication and pain management and it will continue to be complicated after they remove the tube and I keep saying after because I'm staying positive. But because of his drug use his pain management is going to be difficult.

There is a lot that they have prepared us for but I have refused to let my mind go there.

And they keep saying "well we got all the cancer" like okay.... is that supposed to be the consolation prize for him dieing anyways.

The doctor is coming in soon to turn the ventilator off and see how he does.

See how he does?... Their exact words.

What if he can't breathe? What if his biggest fear is how he spends his last days?

I'm terrified. But he is going to do great. He has to right?

Landon and ken just left. Well I should say Landon left to take Ken back to the hotel. To well...sober up. He's not taking this well. What am I saying none of us are taking this well.

So it's just me, Trish and Vance in the room.

It's weird I know Hardin just found out about Vance. And I know Vance has known and not been in Hardins life. But seeing him these last few days here. I get this feeling as if he was always around and that this is the hardest thing he's ever had to go through and don't get me wrong it's the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. But watching Vance with just constant pain in his eyes has been heartbreaking to watch. And he's been trying his best to stay super strong around me because he knows I need it. But we're all hurting and feeling and hoping....
God please just let him be okay.

The doctor or respiratory therapist whoever they are come into the room "Hello everyone.... looks like he is looking good today...I wanted to give you all a run down of how this will go...so we give it at least 30 minutes possibly up to 120 minutes and see if we can extubate based on how he does."

She continues to go over more information with us and his mom is asking a lot of questions and I interrupt...
"Wait." I say not realizing I say it out loud.

"What if he can't breath?" I ask.

"Then we will turn it back on. But based on how everything looks...all of his respiratory issues he had during surgery are resolved. Now it's just on him." The doctor tries to assure me.

"Okay." I reply squeezing his hand as she turns it off.

And I don't know what I was expecting in that exact moment. But nothing. Nothing happened.

"How do we know if he's breathing?" I quickly question.

"He's trying...look at that number." She points to the monitor.

"He's trying?" I question.

"That's why we give that range we won't let him fatigue past 120 minutes. But sometimes it takes that long to regulate." She try's to convince me.

Why is Trish so calm, and why am I in an absolute panic?

"You could talk to him. That usually helps" the doctor says.

I look over at Vance and Trish motioning for them to say something to him.

I just feel like I need a second. I need to breathe.

I step away...out of the room and just look up and talk to God for a second. "Please I know he's far from perfect but please....please help him. I need him. We need him. Just please."

When I go back in Vance motions for me to walk up to Hardin and Vance puts his hands on my shoulders almost as reassurance that it will all be okay...And then he goes and sits back down.

I lean over Hardin and give him a gentle kiss on his forehead. "Hey babe. It's me..." I pause take a deep breath. "You are doing so good...we just need you to keep breathing okay. It will be okay." I tell him.

I feel like I'm watching the minutes pass. Waiting for  him to just wake up.

The doctor leaves the room and comes back with 2 nurses. "They are going to remove the tube. He showed no signs of labored breathing and all signs point towards removal." She tells us.

This is amazing news I think to myself

"So he's going to be okay?!" Trish exclaims

"We aren't 100% out of the woods but we are going to have you leave the room and we will extubate and call you back in after it's out." The doctor explains.

"What do you mean not out of the woods?" Vance asks.

"Failure typically happens anywhere from immediately to 48 hours after removal. We are going to monitor him closely. But it is always a possibility." The doctor tells us.

Just when I felt like he was okay she says that and now I'm back to being scared out of my mind....

We wait outside his room for what feels like forever and then the doctor finally comes out.

"Good news he's awake." The doctor says as she is walking out.

"He is?!!" I quickly question.

"He's pretty groggy, and probably won't want to talk right away. But give him some time. He's doing really good." The doctor assures me.

Vance and his mom stay and talk to the doctor.

I head into the room. It's beyond a relief to see him without the tube. He still has oxygen in. But he's not on a machine and he's awake.

He's awake.