After Forever & Ever

Chapter 99

Hardin-.....Before

I can't believe everything is all over with court...and I just heard they let Julianna off too....which I don't understand why it was so hard for me but so easy for her.

I was convinced for a while there and so was Adler that I would do some serious time. And maybe I should have... I was involved with a lot of bad things for a really long time. I know it's too naive for me to think I'll get off the hook with Reed and Dean but I'll just have to think about that when I get back...but heck maybe I'll just play the sympathy card and throw the big C at them.

I still can't even let myself think the full word.

I am going to see Tessa for the first time in 5 years and I'm sick. I wanted to tell her I never stopped thinking about her, and see if there is the slightest chance we can have a real shot. But I'm debating even going to the wedding because I don't know if I can see her, be in her life again and know that there is a possibility I will leave her again. But not move to another country leave her....but leave this earth kind of leave her.

There is so much I still want to do with my life...and I don't know if I will get that chance.

I have a doctors appointment the day before I leave. I'm not sure if I am going to go though....I kind of want to keep pretending this isn't real...but the constant agonizing pain my body is in makes that next to impossible.

I've been avoiding my mum. She is terribly worried about me and doesn't think I should go to the wedding, I know the doctor is going to say I need to start chemo immediately and again I don't want this to be my reality.

If I miss Landon's wedding I want it to be that he thinks its because I am the dick I have always been and I am okay with letting Tessa think the same. Not because I have Caaan...well you know.

I don't want them to know the truth. I don't want anyone to know. Fuck I don't even want to know.

I'm going to a party tonight. I don't drink. I've been clean and sober for a while now. But, when I get to the party there is a drink placed in my hand and for the first time since being sober...I think to myself why not....I am going to die anyways might as well enjoy the time I have left.

But I don't and I force myself to immediately leave the party since that temptation was almost more than I could take.

I don't go to my doctors appointment instead I stop at a meeting because of how close I was to slipping up. I am of the current mindset worry about one problem at a time....

When I am leaving the meeting I see a girl who I used to go to high school with. Her name is Tini....I think her full name was Valentina but everyone always called her Tini. We start talking and I think she is one of the only girls left from high school that doesn't think I'm the biggest dick on the planet. So after deciding to grab coffee together and spending the night together(things escalated quickly) I convince her to go to the wedding with me. So I guess that's happening....

She used to spend her summers in the states so she is excited to go back...When I get off the plane they tell me there was an outstanding warrant I guess Zed actually did press charges? So that's great...But Tini's dad actually works at the American embassy so she calls him and he some how is able to get me out of it.

I don't know if I brought Tini to make Tessa jealous or to just solidify that after all this time I moved on (even though I didn't but you know caaaaan) and she probably did too and so even if we both wanted a conversation it wouldn't be fair....that's at least what I have told myself all day.

Tini and I decide to stay and relax in the hotel instead of going to the rehearsal...I'm super fucking jetlagged and feel like shit so I crash almost immediately.