After Forever & Ever

Chapter 90

Tessa-Present

It's all so final. Losing Zed has been hard. Beyond what I ever thought. I have my own guilt that I can't shake...and I keep thinking it could have been Hardin.

Zeds mom decided to have a viewing and then funeral all in one day....maybe to make it less painful for her. So today is the day we say goodbye...or I do....Hardin isn't going because he doesn't want him being there to upset Zed's mom.

In combination with going through withdrawals and what happened with Zed...Hardin hasn't slept in 2 days. He's barely functioning at this point. I think he's just purely exhausted and emotionally drained....as well as his body learning how to be off drugs again.

He leaves tomorrow morning for LA....I was iffy about LA but Vance found a place that specializes in bipolar and addiction. Every other program was 30 days and well we have been there already... and I know it's 6 months away from Emery. But it's either 6 months or forever....

I go back and forth as far as ending our relationship. But I do know it was the right thing to do. If we are meant to be I mean truly meant to be. We will be....when he's sober and able to stay clean, and as bad as it sounds have his illness under control.

Not that I am trying to hold it against him for being bipolar but his episodes cost Zed his life....that's the first time I have admitted to myself that Hardin was responsible. I know not directly but he shouldn't have been there...

I don't want to beat up Hardin over what happened because he is doing it to himself.

And he is so used to numbing his pain with drugs or drinking himself to oblivion that he is actually having to feel and I think that's been the hardest thing to watch....his pain.

And the fact that he is letting me see it....

He went into the shower about 30 minutes ago....what the hell is taking him so long.

I knock on the door and he doesn't respond so I pound on the door fearing the worse. I run to the kitchen and grab scissors to get the lock open on the door.

I get the door open and barge into the shower....he is sitting on the ground of the shower just letting the water fall over him still in his boxers and sweatpants with his head in his hands just crying. I not even thinking with my clothes on just sit next to him with the water still on and just hold him into me.

We sit there for a long time....he finally gets up and turns the water off and grabs me a towel and wraps it around me and then wraps one around himself. Still with tears in his eyes...

"When are you leaving?" He asks me.

"The viewing starts at 11 for family so I was going to aim for around noon." I reply.

"Okay." He replies.

I feel like I don't know what to say to him. His best friend just died of an overdose...he's leaving tomorrow for 6 months and I just ended our relationship.

Oh and we have a daughter together...all these things. All these life altering things...

Everyone is going to the viewing except Hardin...I don't trust him alone with Emery. How horrible is that?...

My mom is coming to watch her.  And be there so Hardin isn't alone. I told him to get some rest but I don't know if he will be able to do that.

I take an actual shower and get ready in the bathroom. When I go into our room I am surprised Hardin is sleeping.

I don't want to wake him since this is the first time I have seen him sleep since he's been home.

I don't know if I am ready for this....

Trish and I head downstairs and Vance is already waiting for us.

When we get into the car the first thing out of Vance's mouth is "how is he doing?"

"He's okay." Trish responds.

He's not okay. I think to myself. I'm not okay. We aren't okay. Nobody is okay.

"I moved some meetings so I can fly out to LA tomorrow with him." Vance says to me.

That makes me feel better knowing we can make sure he actually gets there .

"How will this program be?" I ask Vance.

"It will be a lot more intense the first 30 days then I have let on to him...but every 30 days if he does what is expected he graduates to the next step. After the first 90 days he can start coming and going as he pleases he will just have to be back by curfew and comply with the random drug tests." He replies.

"What do you mean by more intense?" I ask him.

"Just basically no contact with the outside world until they get his meds under control and someone will be making sure he takes it." He tells me.

I wish that is what we pushed for right after he got out of the hospital again....my own guilt. I wanted to go back to normal with him so I just pretended he was okay and we were okay. I understand now I was part of the problem. And I hate myself for it. If I would have pushed harder and not been so selfish...Zed would still be here.

I keep thinking about him being there for me when Hardin was back in London. Zed and I just enjoyed our time together it wasn't complicated. We watched shows and movies....he brought me dinner. We were normal things were easy. The exact opposite of everything Hardin and I have been.

And I don't know why I am putting these thoughts in my head. But I stopped thinking about Zed because of what he did to Hardin. But before that I was confused....I did like him. I did see a normal with him. Something I still can't picture with Hardin.

Maybe this is the end. The part where we realize him and I just aren't meant to be. That is being together has only ever caused more harm than good...

That us together has always meant pain. The universe has fought really hard to keep us apart. Maybe for the good of all that's what has to be...