After Forever & Ever

Chapter 100

Hardin-Present

I had the craziest fucking dream. And I don't know if it was because Tess asked me who Valentina was and that was why I dreamt about her but what was wild about the dream was first of all how real it felt. But second that I was going to go to a meeting before I left but I never did....what if that was how the wedding would have went if I went to the meeting and saw Tini. Would I have still gone through all the same shit?

Who knows....but I wouldn't have Emery if Tessa and I never reconnected and although we have been through a lot I can only hope that this is where everything gets better.

Except not yet...

A knock on the door is the rehab director and security.

When I open the door I immediately feel like this is it...I'm getting kicked out.

"Hardin...you broke the curfew policy and had a guest stay the night so we have to search the apartment and you. And you have to do a drug test right now." They tell me.

"Okay." I say annoyed they pat me down and search my pockets and of course nothing but the whole time Tessa is just staring at me. I feel like she feels really bad and that it's her fault but it's not...it's fine again it is what it is.

They make me piss with the door open for my drug test....which I'm not worried about.

They start tearing up my apartment, ripping out drawers, cabinets, anything and everything and I just have to sit and watch.

They pick up one of my guitars and feel inside the sound hole and I honestly am as shocked as they are when they pull out a wad of cash.

I bought the guitar off a guy on marketplace and I never thought to check inside.

"What's this?" They ask me.

"That's just where I keep my cash...it's LA you never know when you might get robbed." I lie and tell them.

"You sure you aren't dealing?" They ask me.

And at this point I can see Tessa glaring at me more so then she already was.

"No...I'm not. I just didn't have anywhere else to put it." I tell them.

"Okay well a case manager is going to review everything and you will find out later today if you are still eligible to stay in the program." They tell me and walk out.

Leaving my apartment in complete disarray....happy fucking birthday to me right.

I can tell Tessa doesn't know what to say to me. I guess I don't know what to say either. A day earlier I basically told her I want nothing to do with her.

She starts trying to clean everything up and I stop her...
"Hardin I'm so sorry." She finally says.

"It's fine my apartment was a little too neat anyways." I say jokingly.

"What are you going to do if you get kicked out?" She asks me.

"I don't know try to stay clean on my own I guess." I tell her.

"Do you think you can?" She asks me.

"I don't know. And I guess I won't know until I try. I feel good with the meds I'm on...I don't feel so off the fucking rails like I was." I say to her.

"Did you really feel that bad?" She asks me.

"Yea Tess....I thought about 1000 ways I was going to end my life about every hour on the hour. My thoughts were destroying me." I tell her.

"Why didn't you tell me?" She asks me.

"How do you tell the person you are with that you don't want to be alive and no matter how much you love them you still don't want to be here even when you have a kid that you know you won't be around to watch her grow up that's how fucked up I was." I. tell her.

"Hardin I'm so sorry I feel like I should have been there for you more and I understand more now why you would do what you did." She says to me.

"Yea....the only thing that shut it off was using or being drunk out of my mind." I tell her.

"See I feel like if we had these conversations before things would have been different." She says.

"Like I said Tess I wasn't in the right frame of mind and I have to be on these meds to function like a real fucking person so I wasn't going to be able to have those conversations then and even if I did it wouldn't have mattered." I tell her.

But she's right maybe if we would have talked more about why I was doing what I was doing or just talked at all about my illness maybe I could have gotten help sooner. Maybe Zed would still be here....these are the thoughts that still eat at me. And I'm not putting the blame on her I'm putting the blame on myself for not asking for help....

But that's the thing there is this thing around talking about someone's mental illness and I don't even know if I have heard Tessa say bipolar out loud. I think she wanted to ignore it as much as I did and it ended up being our downfall.

If there is anything I want to do now it's help people going through similar shit just talk about it. It's okay to be bipolar....it's okay to talk about being bipolar. My life might be too far gone but if I can help someone else then maybe it will all be worth it.

So if I get kicked out maybe I make that my mission. My what's next...

I know I kind of spaced out and Tessa snaps me out of it by coming over and sitting next to me. She puts her hand on my leg.

"I love you and I'm sorry for what I said yesterday...but you were right we are toxic and we both need to work on ourselves. So I am going to do everything in my power to be better and be better for us." She tells me.

"You want that?" I question. And then I quickly question myself ....wait do I want that.

And yes....I do if things could be different...better...good. I absolutely want a life with my family which is Tessa and Emery.

"Yes more than anything." She tells me.

"Me too babe." I tell her.

"Really?" She questions confused.

"Yes just everything has to be different." I tell her...

"I'm scared space will just pull you farther away from me then it already has." She tells me.

"I hope not...I mean I don't know anything for sure but I think if we both use this time and space to be the best versions of ourselves for each other and Emery I think we could actually work." I tell her and I mean it.

I know I was so firm yesterday on being done but it's still always going to be her and I know that. I just want to have a handle on my fucking life the next time we try having an us.

And I hope she understands that might take longer than the 6 months I don't want to put a time limit but I also don't want her to wait around....so I guess we're at a point of we'll see....

I guess I'll know my fate later today anyways.