After Forever & Ever

Chapter 117

Hardin-Present

Holding Tessa outside I don't want to let her go. Having her in my arms again and seeing Emery again was the only thing that kept me going.

It felt like jail...I had 1 hour a day outside of my room and besides that I stared at 4 walls everyday for the past month.

I stopped therapy because they kept telling me I'm experiencing psychosis and that I have lost touch with reality, they wanted me to describe hallucinations and paranoia that I wasn't having so how could I possibly talk about it.

I felt like they were giving me meds to make me crazy....I sure as hell know it wasn't the meds I was on.

I felt tired all the time and the hour I did get out I was so pissed off that I was still there I tried talking to anyone who would listen to let me leave. And that would just make them sedate me so some days I wasn't even allowed to leave my room. It was fucking bullshit.

They wouldn't let me have my contacts so I had to beg for my glasses just so I could see.

The drive home I don't really say anything...when we pull up it's like a house out of a movie. It's so fucking nice.

"The movers must be done already." Vance says.

As we walk-in some lady is holding Emery. Tessa grabs her and comes over by me.

"She missed her daddy." Tessa says hugging her into me.

I kiss Emery on the head. I can tell Tessa wants me to take her but I back away.

"I'm sorry I just need a minute." I say and find a bedroom with a bed which apparently there are several rooms in this house.

I plop in the bed and put my head into the pillows. "Fuck." I say into the pillow.

Next thing I know I hear the door opening and Tessa comes in and lays next to me.

"I like you with glasses." She tells me.

"Thanks." I simply reply.

"What happened Hardin?" I ask.

"Nothing I couldn't handle I'm just glad I'm home." I tell her.

"I'm sorry." She says with tears in her eyes.

"It's fine...it's not your fault. I appreciate you trying to help me." I tell her which I mean.

"I didn't know it would be like that and I am just so sorry." She tells me.

"Tess, stop I'm fine.....Thank you for letting me come home" I say pulling her into me.

"I love you." She says looking up at me to kiss me.

"I love you babe." I reply.

"What do you think of the house?" She asks me.

"Eh it's alright." I reply jokingly.

I continue to cuddle her and I guess I fall asleep. Probably the first time I felt like I could actually relax in a month.

When I wake up it's dark out and Tessa isn't there. I open the door to the room and I walk down the super long hallway and Tessa, Vance, smith and Emery are all eating dinner.

"Hey you're up we didn't want to wake you." Vance says to me.

"All good." I reply.

I have a seat at the open seat.... "are you hungry?" Tessa asks as she starts fixing me a plate.

"Uh yea sure." I reply.

"So you have a doctors appointment first thing tomorrow morning to get you back on your correct meds and then we have to go to your old place to clear out the rest of your stuff." Vance says to me.

"Okay." I simply reply.

I reach over Tessa to grab water and she grabs my wrist and pulls up my sleeve....

Her eyes dart up to mine..

I just shrug as in to sort of say it is what it is and I did what I had to do. I never thought of doing it as the end just....to feel like I had control over something while I was there...the scars are pretty intense. One is pretty fresh which is probably why she noticed.

I can see her heartbreak all over again.

I don't want to be this pitty case or poor Hardin. Let's take care of Hardin. Hardins crazy. I feel like I want everyone to look at me like a person and not this fragile broken piece of China. It fucking sucks.

I don't eat much after she notices and head outside shortly after and have a cigarette it's been so long I am enjoying it way too much.

She stands in front of me and gives me those eyes.

"Don't" I say to her.

"Don't what?" She asks.

"I'm not going to do it anymore....I was in a bad place. And I don't want to talk about it." I tell her.

"Okay." She says and has a seat next to the pool.

The view is pretty amazing. Vance went all out honestly. The pool is one of those infinity pools that looks like it just drops right into the ocean it's pretty incredible.

That night I can feel Tessa still walking on eggshells with me and we both just lay down and go to bed. The next morning her alarm is going off pretty early.. "Hardin we have to get up soon for the doctor." She says nudging me.

I woke up relieved to be out of jail I'll call it. When we get to the doctor they do a pretty fucking long evaluation on me and ask me all these questions. Afterwards we sit in a room where the doctor tells Vance and Tessa.... "Hardin is suffering from hallucinations and delusions...what he thinks is real and what is real are not the same."

"No....listen to me this is what happened before. I'm not crazy. I'm not hallucinating....I don't have delusions." I try to plead with them.

Am I really this fucked up....

"It's okay though. I have dealt with more mild cases and much worse. I am going to prescribe 2 medications you were on and clozapine which is an antipsychotic medication typically used in schizophrenia...which I am not diagnosing but I see it being helpful for you." He says to me.

I feel like any hope i had is shattered. I didn't want to believe I was crazy and looking at Tessa and Vance I could see them looking at me even worse then they were before. Before I think they had hope....but hearing what we all just heard I think broke us all.

I'm scared.

Actually I am fucking terrified.

The doctor continues to talk to Vance and Tessa as if I am not even there. The good news is they are agreeing to let me stay living at the house. They are talking about how to break me from an hallucination or if I'm being paranoid and I want to scream because I don't know any of that has happened or is happening.

And I just want to be normal....I want a shot at a real life with Tessa and Emery without all this and now I don't think I'm ever going to get there and I won't blame her if she wants to walk away now...because I'm fucking crazy....