After Forever & Ever

Chapter 55

Hardin-Present

They let the medication wear off since she seems to be doing really well. She still isn't up yet though...

And even though Emery was early she was 5lb 7oz and healthy and well....perfect.

I have been feeding her pretty much every hour and I haven't let her out of my sight. Everyone has been calling and texting and I have been keeping them updated.

But it is still just myself and Carol. We haven't really been speaking just talking to the nurses as they come in and talking about Emery.

I sent my mum a picture of Emery and she said that she looks exactly how I did as a baby. She doesn't keep her eyes open very often but when she does I swear they have a glimmer of green. She's so tiny and her whole head fits in my hand...actually practically her whole body. The nurses have been having me do skin to skin so I have her skin touching mine laying on my chest. I think normally Tessa would be doing this...and they tell me its good for bonding and to regulate everything for Emery.

Its been a full 12 hours since Emery was born and I am getting a lot less calm, and way more anxious with each passing minute that she isn't waking up.

I know they keep telling me she will be fine and it takes time, but I want to know she's okay. I want to hear her voice even if its yelling at me.

"Hardin you haven't ate anything...I know your dad has been asking if he could do anything why don't you have him bring you food and take a moment with him." Carol says to me.

"I'm not hungry." I tell her.

"You are going to be no use to your daughter or Tessa if you don't take care of yourself." She replies.

"Fine." I say.

I text Vance and ask if he can bring food up and meet me in the lobby. He lets me know he will be there in a half hour.

I really don't want to leave Tessa or Emery. But I am running on fumes and I know Carol is right....which I never thought I would say.

When I get to the lobby Vance gives me a huge hug and doesn't let go. "How's she doing?" he asks.

"The same" I reply shrugging my shoulders as I pull away and go to sit down at a table nearby.

"It will be okay....and Congrats Hardin you are going to be a great dad." He tells me.

"Thanks." I reply unsure of that being true.

We eat and then he goes and grabs us each a coffee from the hospital cafe. And then we just sit for a while...in silence until I finally decide to tell him..

"I...messed up Vance." I tell him.

"What do you mean?" He questions.

"Instead of going to the baby shower I went and I...I got high." I tell him.

"Does Tessa know?" He asks.

"Yes, she kicked me out of the room yesterday..." I reply.

"I thought you were doing good." He says.

"I was...but I have been battling it every fucking day." I am honest and tell him.

"Do you think you need to go back to rehab?" He asks me.

"No Tessa needs me, and so does Emery." I reply.

"I'm worried now." He says.

"I'll be fine I just....I don't know it was stupid. I don't know why I did it." I tell him.

"I know you know this but you are a father now and they need you...so you can't just be stupid or fuck up anymore." He tells me.

And he's right and I do know that.

"I know" I simply reply as I get up to shake his hand and he pulls me in for a hug.

"I love you kid." He says.

I decide to take the stairs instead of taking the elevator to Tessa's room and just kind of clear my fucking head.

There is a lot of fucking stairs though....

When I finally get back up I am shocked to see that she is awake.

I rush to her side. "Your up! How are you feeling?" I ask as she is holding Emery.

I am pissed I wasn't here when she woke up or when she seen Emery for the first time. I glare over at Carol..

"I'm okay, sore." She says.

"I'm sorry I wasn't up here when you woke up." I tell her.

"It's okay." She simply replies.

"Isn't she perfect?" I ask. As I put my hand over hers so I am touching both of them.

She pulls her hand away...

"Mom can you give us a second." She says to Carol.

"Okay I'll be right outside if you need me." She replies to Tessa.

"Hardin I don't want you here...I told you to leave. I can't trust you if you are using and I don't want you around our daughter." She says to me.

"Tessa I made a mistake and it's not going to happen again I promise you. Once I saw her I realized it's not about me or you anymore. But this perfect little girl that we created....please don't push me away." I practically beg her.

She looks away from me and doesn't say anything.

I still don't want to upset her but I don't want to be pushed out of their lives over this. I realize I fucked up but this isn't just a her and I fight. This is our family now.

"What can I do to make this right?" I ask her.

"Nothing...you are never going to change. And I don't want you in our lives." She says to me....and that fucking stung it felt like that car Carol wants to hit me with that's what it felt like.

"Tessa." I say fighting back tears "I can't live without either of you....and I won't" I tell her.

She still won't look at me...nothing.

"Can I at least say goodbye to my daughter?" I ask her.

She agrees and hands her to me.

I sit down and just look at her. My heart is breaking and I can feel the tears running down my face. I want to give her time because I know she just woke up, she just had a baby, and again I don't want to upset her but this is killing me.

I finally hand Emery back to Tessa and I walk out....