After Forever & Ever

Chapter 160

Hardin-The End Part 2

I almost never got on that plane...I passed out at one of Francisco's friends houses after....well after getting a little too fucked up and by the grace of god I made it...

If I didn't I don't know if I'd still be here but here we are and I got my 60 day chip today....I know I have been to this point before but this one feels good.

Auden's due date was yesterday and he's still not showing any signs of being here anytime soon....Tessa is miserable. Actually she is probably beyond that point.

It probably doesn't help we just moved into a 2 bedroom apartment in Santa Monica last week.

We are paying a little bit more but we did a month to month lease because we aren't sure how long we will stay here but tension between Vance and I got to be too much so we decided it was time to get our own place.

I tried with him but I think everything with me leaving he can't forgive and he doesn't trust me. He doesn't say that but he just doesn't see me staying sober lasting and that he has said. He's waiting for my next fuck up and he's already said he's done....which I guess I don't blame him. But I also don't plan on fucking up.

Tessa and I have been pretty good I mean we have our moments and she gets standoffish with me and she gets in her head sometimes about well....everything and what I did to her and I have to talk her down a little bit that I'm not going anywhere, and I'm not going to use and all the things that she worries about. And I feel bad that I have made it so she has to worry about those things but again it's just something we have to work through.

I guess I get in my own head too. It would be a lie if I said I am 100%. As far as my sobriety that's probably the only thing I feel good about. My relationships and my self are going to take time still... I also feel like a piece of shit because Tessa has been working this whole time and I stay home with Emery. I have refused to go back to music and it was just this week I picked up my guitar again for the first time....it brings me back to what could have been.... my career was just about to take off and then I got the rug pulled from under me...

And I have no one to blame for that but myself, my past was still there and I couldn't run forever from it...I get that...

The apartment we got is right above a bar/restaurant that does live music and I have thought about playing covers there and at least just trying that out for the time being....

Because I've been going kind of crazy since I've been back not doing anything. I became a stay at home dad while Tessa goes to work and that's not exactly what I'd say I want to be doing...

I don't even want to bring the idea up yet of me doing that because I know how she will feel about me being in a bar and I'm not trying to upset her especially when she's due to be having our son any day now..

"Hey babe" I say to her as she walks in the door. She just got hone from work....she insisted on working up until he's here....which I hate that's she's doing that... I know she's tired...but that's what she wanted. And we also need the money...which is another reason I feel like a piece of shit since I make no contribution to supporting our family. That if nothing else really tears me down...

"How's Emery?" She asks me...."she's good we have just been playing...how are you feeling?" I ask her.

"Ready to be done being pregnant." She responds.

"I know babe I'm sorry I wish I could help...maybe I can..." I reply jokingly.

"First I want to t try going for a walk to get this baby out and if that doesn't work then we are definitely having sex and trying to get him out that way." She demands.