After Forever & Ever

Chapter 108

Hardin-Present

I really tried stepping it up in the boyfriend department after my fuck up. Flowers...a cute fucking Instagram post...I don't know if it was enough to make her totally forgive me but hopefully it at least helped a little bit.

My mom is coming in tomorrow morning right before my surgery so she can be there for it and help me if I need anything. We didn't leave on the best note though when she was here last so she's not exactly who I want to be taking care of me.

There was a secret I kept from my mom for a long time...or I thought it was. And she admitted to me at therapy that she knew. She knew and she didn't do anything about it. And I buried this until the therapist basically forced us to get there and talk about it.... but the fact that all this time I tried to hide it from her to protect her and she could have protected me....since I was just a fucking kid and didn't is unforgivable especially since I have beat myself up for my entire life for not being able to protect her.

Everyone wants me to be honest...and say how I'm feeling and lay all my cards on the table but everyone who I ever cared about has lied to me. And my own mother has done it my whole life.

And I know I'm talking about being honest...but I just think this is something Tessa doesn't need to know about me...heck besides therapy the one day I don't even allow my mind to go there. Even with everything that's happened to me and gone on in my life this was probably the worst and I buried it.

Even right now thinking about it is getting to me. So I stop. I turn it off. I don't want to be alone with my thoughts like I have been all day so I decide to go out.

JJ is having a 'chill bonfire' (his words) tonight and so I take a shower, get ready and hobble my way to my car and drive over to his place.

When I get there I am surprised its more of a party not just a 'chill bonfire'. I shake hands with the people I know and then have seat at a open patio chair and lean up my crutches next to me.

I decide to have a cigarette...I haven't been smoking too much but it definitely relieves some stress and right now I have a lot of it. I am nervous about seeing my mum, and her bringing up shit again that I don't want to talk about, I'm nervous about the surgery....and I am nervous about being off my meds.

JJ doesn't do drugs anymore but he still drinks...which I don't understand how he can. If I drank....I'd be doing other shit too. I can tell he is planning on getting fucked up tonight because he has already taken several shots.

I stand up to grab a water and I see Savannah and Natalie walk in....what the hell....why are they here.

Savannah comes up and gives me a hug immediately. "What are you doing here?" I question.

"JJ invited us." she replies.

"He did...." interesting I think to myself...I'm going to kill him later .

I grab my water and head back outside and they follow me out and have a seat by where I was sitting. They start drinking and I guess its fine that they are here because it at least gives me someone to talk to I was kind of just chillin by myself like a loner before they showed up.

JJ finally comes over by us. "Hey you girls came." He says.

"Yea thanks for the invite." They reply.

"You need to get this one to be more lively he has been hanging out by himself all night." JJ says.

Savannah grabs my hat off my head and puts in on hers and walks over to the flip cup table....all I am thinking is I need to get my hat back before she posts another stupid ass pic that gets me in trouble.