After Forever & Ever

Chapter 5

Hardin Present

Alright so I guess I am actually going through with this. Hey maybe I'll come out of it a changed man...

Maybe I can finally start letting shit go and stop living for myself. And live for everyone who is in my life.

I'm going to be a Dad. I want to witness my child come into this world. I want to be here for that.

I know Tessa is mad at me for signing the DNR but I told her I'm not coming out of this as a vegetable.

I ask everyone but Tessa to leave for the night. I just want to be with her, lay with her, hold her for one more night. Before..

We make a pact at the beginning of the night.... no talk of anything negative. You know no death, cancers definitely off the table. Our past, none of it.

Just positive vibes. And then I realized we didn't have much to talk about.

I try to put myself into the head space of Landon's wedding. I was so consumed by seeing her I let myself forget about cancer. I want to go back to that.

"Want to grab my laptop?" I ask her.

"Sure." She relies.

"I want to show you how I make my music." I tell her as I put the headphone over her ears and just let her listen. She scrolls through different songs.

She of course stops on one of Julianna's songs and I am waiting for it. For her to give it to me about her. But she doesn't.

"How did you even start doing this?" She asks.

"Uhhh well you know I was always writing and I have always been interested in mixing and producing and it just kind of all worked out." I reply.

"What's it like in front of all those people?" She asks.

"Honestly I don't think about it. I just focus on the music and it all turns off. And that use to be my high. There is no other feeling like it" I tell her.

"Did you ever think about me?" She asks me.

"Do you want the truth?" I reply.

"Yes I want the truth." She says.

"Everyday. Every fucking day. And I checked in on you quite a bit." I tell her somewhat reluctantly.

"What do you mean?" She questions confused.

"I spoke to Landon a lot and I always asked about you. And so when I came back I knew you were engaged and knew your life was good. Part of why I didn't come back sooner." I tell her.

"Why?" She asks.

"I thought we weren't going to talk about the past." I say to her.

"I just thought you never looked back and I'm just surprised to find out you did." She says to me.

"I knew your life was good, you were good. I didn't want to the be the reason again that it wasn't and I mean I guess here we are..." I say kind of upset....

"Why is that always up to you to decide?" She asks annoyed.

"See this is what I didn't want you to get upset, can we just talk about something else. I can't change the past. I can't change anything I did. Anything I thought I was doing to protect you. Protect you from me. From this. From this life." I say raising my voice.

She moves away from laying on me.

"Is it always going to be this hard with you?" She says and you tell she regrets her words.

"Then fucking leave Tessa no one is forcing you to be here." I yell loud enough for a nurse to come in.

"Is everything okay?" She asks.

"Yea were fine." I reply and she leaves the room.

"I didn't mean that." She says.

"No you did. I know it's fucking hard, it's fucking hard for me to. But I tried being done. You tried being done. But I can't fucking let you go. And you can't let me go. So I think that means something. I don't think love is meant to be easy. Should it be better than this probably. But....I love you too fucking much to walk away again or let you walk away." I say to her in what feels like one breath.

She doesn't say anything she just leans in and kisses me. And I just keep kissing her. And holding her and I don't want this to go away.

"I love you" she whispers.

"I love you so fucking much" I respond.

I know what going to sleep means and I just want to take in every second of this. This moment with her. She ends up falling asleep. And I just look at her. She is so beautiful.

I feel like there is the slightest bump I could feel holding her stomach and I just am thinking about my son or daughter. And thinking I hope to god I'm there to see them grow up. And watch her be the most amazing mother.

Please let me get that chance I think to myself before feeling myself fall asleep holding her in my arms.