After Forever & Ever

Chapter 51

Hardin- Present

If I was going to mess up...I think I have been given enough to warrant me to do so already...

But okay I did just get caught up in a lie. And she probably thinks the reason I have them still is because I'm taking them.

Which do I want to....right now... yes.

I didn't feel like I did until last night. When I was lying next to the one person I love more than anything in this entire world who I am trying my fucking hardest for but it's never fucking good enough. It's never been fucking good enough.

Because if I do what she fucking wants and she still thinks the worst of me then I might as well just be who she thinks I am.

All day I have been setting up jobs so I can have money to buy whatever our daughter needs before she arrives. That's why I was late...

I love Tessa. I love our daughter. But I don't love being this person that everyone has to tip toe around. And it doesn't seem like that is ever going to change...

When we arrive at the doctor I drop her off at the door and I go park the car. I grab the pills, open the bottle and pour the pills into my hand..i want them so fucking bad. But instead I pour what's in my hand back in the bottle and put it back.

Fuck. I'm losing it.

I meet her at the door and we ride the elevator up to her doctors office. We are still not saying a word to each other which is fine.

I feel like if I focus on her too much I am getting more pissed off which sounds bad but I'm just not fucking happy. I shouldn't have to keep proving myself. But again if she thinks I'm this person maybe I should just be that.

Instead I focus on seeing my baby girl. Which finally seeing her on the ultrasound is incredible. I do grab Tessa's hand and she looks over at me.

And I forget for a moment how angry I am and I just enjoy the fact that I am looking at our baby. And the technician stops for a second. "I am going to go get the doctor..I'll be right back."

"Is everything okay?" Tessa asks.

"We just like the doctor to look over everything." She responds.

Tessa looks at me and I can tell she's scared. I squeeze her hand a little tighter and bring it up to give it a kiss. "Everything is going to be okay." I try to reassure her even though I'm scared too.

"They have never went to get the doctor during any of my other ultrasounds" she tells me.

"I'm sure it's fine babe" I say as I get up and kiss her on her forehead.

The doctor comes back in. "Hello Miss Young." He says to her.

Tessa doesn't respond. She just sort of looks up at him.

"Should we take a look?" He says and she nods her head to agree.

He moves the little wand thing around for what feels like forever.

He finally says.."okay so what I am seeing here is a partial placenta previa."

"What is that?!" I quickly interject.

"So this is a relatively rare pregnancy complication...where the placenta has implanted low in the uterus. Luckily it's only a partial and could correct itself before delivery and still allow for a vaginal delivery." He explains.

"So what does that mean!" I interject again.

"Right now bed rest isn't necessary but limiting activity is. I am going to suggest you take it easy and get plenty of rest. If your exercising now would be the time to stop. No sexual intercourse  and you will want to look for bleeding. If you notice any bleeding then I'll have you come in." The doctor tells her.

"Is the baby okay?" Tessa asks.

"The baby is perfect...we just want to make sure you are okay. And take it easy! There is an increased risk during delivery for excessive bleeding so we are going to monitor that as well when the time comes for delivery." The doctor says.

I was scared before he walked in and now I'm fucking terrified. If anything happens to her...I don't know what I'll do.

I went from being super pissed at her to forgetting all about it. All that fucking matters is making sure she's okay.

Once we are in the car Tessa breaks down.

I pull her into me and just let her cry into my chest. "Tessa it will be okay." I try to reassure her.

"You don't know that!" She replies back.

"You are so strong...the doctor just wants you to take it easy. Let me take care of you for once." I tell her.

She pulls away from me and wipes her tears away. "What if I did something wrong and this is why I have this?" She says.

"You did nothing wrong...stop." I tell her as I grab her hand.

I start driving and it's crazy how different everything feels from the ride here. Everything has changed.

"I love you...you know that right." I tell her.

" I know and I'm sorry for everything with Zed and still not trusting you." She tells me.

"Well I guess it's good to hear you actually say it out loud." I say sarcastically....but wishing I didn't.

"Hardin I'm sorry...I shouldn't keep holding the past against you." She says to me.

"Can we just start over please...for us...for our daughter?" I ask her.

"I would like that." She says.

We reach a stop light and I grab her face and just kiss her until someone honks once the light turns green.

"We are going to be okay. I promise." I say to her...we have to be right. (I think to myself)