After Forever & Ever

Chapter 86

Tessa-Present

To say these past few days have been my worst would be an understatement.

I still can't come to terms with what I saw. And what I experienced in the car with him. And how angry he was.

I never thought I would be scared of him. I know he would never intentionally hurt me but I felt him lose control and I guess I didn't know what he was capable of in that moment and that's what Scared me.

Vance repeats himself since I never answered him "Tessa are you okay?"

"I'm fine." I reply.

"Can we talk....alone?" Hardin asks.

I look to Vance and nod that it's okay. So they both leave the doorway.

Hardin sits on the bed and I sit next to him. I look over to him and realize he is choking back tears and so I grab his hand.

"I'm so fucking sorry." He says to me.

I want to respond but I'm so drained. Emotionally and physically exhausted.

I finally break my silence...
"So what now?" I ask him.

"I don't know Tess." He replies.

"Do you want to get better?" I ask him.

He takes a deep breath.. "I actually don't fucking know anymore." He responds.

"Why wouldn't you want that?" I ask him.

"Because it's a waste of fucking time Tess." He responds.

"So that's it then. This is as good as it gets?" I question.

"Mhm." He replies brushing me off.

We sit in silence for a while.

"I think I should stay away from you and Emery for a while." He finally says to me.

"No Hardin....you need to stay and we need to handle this together or we are never going to make it." I say to him.

"And maybe we aren't supposed to Tess. I'm bad for you I always have been. I'm bad for myself...I'm a shitty fucking person and I don't want you or Emery to have to worry about me anymore." He says slightly raising his voice.

"I don't care Hardin. If you walk away from us there is no guarantee I'll ever get you back and I'm not willing to risk that." I tell him.

He doesn't respond and goes to get up to leave the room. I grab his hand and pull him back down.

I pull his chin towards me and kiss him.  He kisses me back. "I love you." I tell him.

He doesn't say anything. Vance knocks on the door. "Tess did you want to come with or are you staying home with Emery?" He asks me.

"She's going to stay home." Hardin answers for me and gets up off the bed walking past Vance.

I do want to go but while Hardin was gone we spoke to the doctor and he said avoid unnecessary conflict. So I don't want to force my way into something he doesn't want and upset him more than I already have.

Waiting for them to come back feels like forever.....hours go by and I text and call both of them and no answer.

Finally the door opens and it's just Vance.....
"Where is he?" I ask my heart dropping.

"He agreed to a 3 day observation." Vance replies.

"What does that mean?" I quickly question since I didn't even know that was on the table.

"Well similar to the 3 day hold but it's voluntary." He replies.

"Soo he can leave if he wants to?" I ask Vance.

"Well...yes. But, I think he will stick it out. They were going to do a monitored detox. The doctor said he is..or was in a severe manic depressive episode." Vance tells me....which we knew.

"Did he seem like he wanted to try and get better?" I ask Vance.

"He wouldn't talk to me.....the whole ride was in silence. I think he took something because he was out of it the whole doctor visit. He could barely keep his eyes open." He tells me.

Trish starts crying. I go and hug her. "I'm sorry this has to be so hard on you." I say to her.

"It's not what you want for your child." She replies.

"I know." I simply reply and hug her a little tighter.

We all sit down around the table just sort of processing it all....

"What happens after the 3 days?" I ask.

"That's all going to depend on him....I know he's frustrated with himself. I think he genuinely thinks right now you and Emery are better off if he is not around and that thought is what I find so dangerous for him because that to me is him giving up." Vance says and that terrifies me.

"I found a ring in his glovebox when we were arguing in the car....how did he go from wanting to propose to thinking we are better off with him not around?..." I question.

"That's just it that's what this disease does. I know everything he does is fueled by his love for you I don't doubt that for a second. I just think without this being under control. Hes always going to be on this path of self destruction because he thinks he has to." Vance tells me.

And he's right everything he said i know is true. And I guess I'm just scared. I have been waiting for our happy ending for a long time now and it's slipped through my fingertips time and time again but we both kept fighting.

Why does this time feel so different?...

Later that night as I am rocking Emery to sleep I can't help but cry. I am heartbroken for him. For us. For his pain. For the fact that he thinks he has to be alone to protect us. Just all of it.

After I put Emery down. I end up crying every year I have left into my pillow until I fall asleep.

I usually never remember my dreams but I had a very vivid dream. Hardin and I were on a beach and Emery was older and we were letting her play in the sand and Hardin and I were snuggled up on a beach towel watching the waves. I was tracing over his tattoos with my fingertips and his scar from the surgery and then all of a sudden where his scar was it starts bleeding everywhere and my hands are covered in blood and I start screaming. This wakes me out of my sleep and I realize I was actually screaming Trish comes rushing into the room.

"Tessa are you okay?" She asks me.

"Yes I'm fine just a bad dream." I tell her.

She comforts me and I look over at the empty side of the bed and think to myself this is all just a really, really bad dream.....

*****

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