After Forever & Ever

Chapter 81

Hardin-Present

It's Christmas morning... and so Tessa wakes me up at 7:30AM to open presents that we bought Emery from Santa. Why this has to be done at 7:30 in the morning I don't know....because well Emery doesn't know the difference if it was 7:30AM or 2 in the afternoon...

I'm hungover as shit... I feel like absolute trash.

Last night is a little fuzzy...I didn't expect Tessa to say yes to us having sex and it had been so fucking long and felt so fucking good....that part is not fuzzy.

I hear a knock at the door so I go and answer it. It's Vance and Smith.... "Merry Christmas" Vance says as he pulls me in for a hug.

"Merry Christmas." I reply wondering why the hell he is here at the ass crack of dawn.

I want to be completely present in the moment but my thoughts are racing.

I broke my sobriety again, I had every intention of starting my music career in LA and I walked away from that...I have a daughter who I can't even stay sober for. Christmas Day 5 years ago I was lying in a hospital bed after wanting to end my life the day before. I had my second attempt this month... I'm a fucking mess.

Pathetic is not even the word anymore.
Tessa deserves better...
Emery deserves better...

How many times can I go to rehab..
How many times can I keep doing this..

"Here Hardin this is from Emery." Tessa says handing me a present which snaps me out of my thoughts since I was completely spaced out.

I unwrap what she gave me and it's a ring and says Emery on the outside and says I love you dad on the inside.

I'm not going to lie that fucking got me and I start choking up a little bit.

"Thank you." I say to Tessa giving her a kiss and I grab Emery from her.

I just stare at her for a while. Just how perfect she is. How I still can't believe that she's mine and that I have a daughter.

I just wish I was a better dad then I am. A better boyfriend...and I won't even go into the possibility of proposing like I planned because well if I was Tess I would say no.

They both are better off... see these are the kind of thoughts that drive me to these places that I don't want to go. To where it's okay that I drink or get fucked up because it doesn't matter...even though it does matter. It all matters.

I hand Emery back to Tessa and go take a shower. Tessa opens the door... "you had to shower right now?" She questions.

And honestly I just wanted to take myself out of that moment hoping I can get my fucking back in order....but I don't know if anything will do that.

"Yea sorry figured I would take one now." I tell her.

"Okay well we were still opening presents..." she says annoyed and I ignore her so she walks out slamming the door.

When I get out of the shower and open the bathroom door I could sense everyone was just talking about me...but I'm in just my towel so I keep walking and go into our  bedroom.

It's now a solid 9AM but the only thing keeping me out of my head is drinking so I feel up the water bottle with the rest of the vodka I have from yesterday.

I take 2 huge swigs...and then I take my towel off. Dry my hair off some more and get dressed.
I walk out of the bedroom and take a seat next to Tessa on the couch. She gives me a look but I can't tell what that look really means...

Vance is giving me a similar look...

"So what time do we have to go by Ken's?" I ask.

"Noon." Tessa replies.

"Can't wait." I reply sarcastically.

"Hardin can I talk to you for a second?" Tessa says as she stands up and motions for me to follow her into our room.

She closes the door behind her when we go in and pushes me onto the bed and gets on top of me to kiss me.

"Round 2?" I ask excited.

She quickly pushes herself off of me... "do you think I'm an idiot?" She asks me.

"No." I simply reply.

"No...you must....you lied about going to Vance's the other day. And you were drunk yesterday and are drinking already today....it's 9 in the fucking morning Hardin!!!" She says raising her voice.

Fuckkkkk.

I sit up on the bed. And should be speaking at this point....saying anything.

"You have nothing to say?" She asks me.

"I'm sorry." I reply.

"What do you want me to do Hardin?" She asks me.

"What do you mean?" I question.

And then she just starts crying. So I get up and put my arms around her and hug her and she actually lets me.

"Merry fucking Christmas....right." She says to me while still hugging me.

"Tess I am sorry." I say to her again because I still don't know what to say.

She moves away from me and has a seat on the edge of the bed.

"I told myself I wasn't going to say anything to you today because I didn't want to ruin our Christmas...but I didn't ruin it. You did." She says as her voice shakes.

I sit next to her and try to grab her hand but she quickly pulls away.

"Are you going to stop?" She asks me.

And I want to say yes...but I also don't want to lie to her.

"I don't know." I reply honestly.

"Are you using drugs again too?" She asks me.

"No." I reply which is the truth but I am not sure if she believes me or not.

"Tell me what to do Hardin?....pretend like we are okay...like you are sober....I don't know what to fucking do right now!." She says raising her voice again.

"Today will be fine..I'll get through the day and I'll talk to Connor tomorrow and go to a meeting and I'll try and stay sober." I tell her.

"Ok." She replies surprisingly.

"Okay?" I quickly question.

"I'm the idiot who loves you more than I can even begin to explain so I'm trusting you...but if you break it I'm done this time Hardin for good. No more chances." She tells me....and in a way what she's saying is great but on the alternative I have no idea if I can even trust myself to do what she's asking me.

She walks out of our room and I plop on the bed and lay down looking up at the ceiling....I know I can't fuck up again. And I know she has forgiven me before but I felt the words she was saying to me I know she means what she said...if I fuck up we're done...