After Forever & Ever

Chapter 88

Tessa-Present

Trying to keep my mind off Hardin was next to impossible. And the fact that I am dead tired and can't sleep hasn't helped. I keep looking at pictures of us together and him with Emery and I keep thinking was he ever really happy....we're we ever really happy.

I am questioning everything and I know I need to be there for him and support him through this but it doesn't make it easier.

Watching the person who you know you want to spend the rest of your life with look right through you and let the drugs take over has to be the hardest thing I have had to go through yet with him.

And the fact that I don't know if he is coming back to me or if ultimately he will give into his demons is even harder.

As I am scrolling through Instagram I almost drop my phone on my face because I still follow Molly (not really sure why) and she posted a picture of her and Hardin....this has to be old....

But the caption says... "cheers to old friends"

What in the actual fuck. I quickly call Vance and ask him to call the hospital he's at and make sure he's there.

Vance tells me to calm down and that Hardin is at Pineview....but agrees to call anyways.

When he calls back...I could sense in his voice he's not there.

"Why weren't we notified?" I ask Vance.

"Because he could check himself out...but still they should have called us." He says to me.

I feel like I'm about to have a full blown panic attack I start hyperventilating and I just feel this all has finally got to me.

"I can't breathe" I say into the phone in between sobs.

Trish must have heard me because she comes rushing in my room flicks the light on and starts comforting me. "Tessa it's okay breathe it will okay."

"Hardin left the hospital." I tell her and I realize I must have hung up on Vance because he is calling back.

Trish answers for me and says into the phone. "She's okay I think she is having a panic attack though."

She talks some more and says "okay I'll see you soon."

I drink some water and calm down.

"Do you know where he's at?" She asks me.

I don't answer her and instead I show her the picture.

She looks at it then puts it face down. She looks so disappointed.

We comfort each other because I think we both are at our breaking points we don't really know what to say to each other.

Vance walks in and he has a different demeanor then he usually has when we have had to find Hardin.

"Are you going to go to him?" I ask him.

"No." He simply responds.

Are we all giving up on him I quickly think to myself. Is that what I am doing....I ask myself.

And honestly I don't know. I don't know if I can do this anymore.

Just as I am having that thought Emery starts crying.

Trish and Vance start talking and I go and grab Emery.

When I get back Vance motions for me to hand Emery to him.

He's holding her and just staring at her. We are all pretty silent just focusing on Emery for that moment.

That's the thing is the focus hasn't been on Emery and I refuse to have it not be anymore.

Vance finally speaks... "Trish and I would both really like to stay involved with Emery even if you and Hardin aren't together."

And that answered my question. Things are different...I don't know if given up is the right phrase. But we are taking a step back maybe that's the better way to put it.

"Of course." I respond.

"I'm sorry." Vance responds.

"Why are you sorry?" I ask.

"This isn't how it's supposed to be." He replies.

"I know." I agree.

I curl up on the couch while they are with Emery continuing to talk and without realizing it I fall asleep.

I wake up and have a blanket over me. Trish or Vance must have covered me and put Emery back to bed.

I should probably go in my bed but I decide to stay sleeping on the couch.

The next morning I feel this overwhelming amount of sadness that I don't know how to handle. Not panic attack worthy again but just sad.

It's New Years Eve today and my first thought is maybe I leave Hardin in this year and worry about me and Emery in this New year.

I spend the morning into the afternoon trying to stay busy. I can tell it's hard on us all not going to Hardin but I know we can't keep on this path.

My mom calls me and asks if I want to go to lunch. I decide it might be a good thing to get myself and Emery out of the apartment.

She doesn't know anything about Hardin and I'm not ready to tell her so I'll pretend we are okay because i have to.

I meet her at the restaurant which she chooses.

She gives me a huge hug and then goes to get Emery out of her carrier within seconds of us being there.

"How's my grand baby?" She says to Emery.

"What are you planning for New Years tonight? Do you want me to babysit so you and Hardin can do dinner?" She asks.

"No it's okay we are just going to stay in." I lie.

"Are you sure? I don't mind." She replies.

"It's okay. Thank you though." I tell her.

The whole lunch I am trying to hold it together because I am on the verge of blurting out everything that's happened...everything I'm feeling. But I make it through and she some how doesn't realize I am completely heart broken and barely keeping it together.

Vance had left earlier and Trish texted me to say she was running to the store. So when I open the apartment door I am shocked to see Hardin sitting on the couch.

I am trying not to rush into him and hit the hell out of him for what he's put me through.

I don't know what to say or do. I actually try to ignore he is even there and I decide to walk past him and I bring Emery in her carrier into her nursery and take her out.

It takes a few minutes but he follows me in.

I put Emery down in her crib and go to walk past him out of the bedroom. He grabs my hand.

"Tessa." He simply says as he squeezes my hand.

"What...Hardin. What do you want!" I scream at him.

"It's Zed." He replies.

"What does Zed have to do with anything?" I question....

He backs away and turns away from me and is silent....

"Hardin what about Zed?" I question again...

Still nothing...