After Forever & Ever

After Never Chapter 17

Hardin-Present

Day 29.

Tomorrow will be 30 days and because it was encouraged that I originally do 60 days. Everyone has been nervous about what tomorrow will bring...

Including me.

I won't say that. Which maybe I should...

But I'm scared. I'm fucking scared.

Waking up in the hospital after my OD I never felt a bigger low in my life. And to find out that if Tessa and Landon hadn't found me...I would have been dead...I would have been fucking dead...

And truthfully I don't understand why I'm still here. I get in a car accident that essentially kills me...I fucking coded and I still somehow live...while someone else lost their life.

And then I overdose.

Fentanyl.

I'm lucky. That's what they keep telling me. That's what everyone keeps telling me.

And the truth is I don't feel lucky. I feel like a waste. Like god made a mistake saving me.

Saving me twice...

And I don't really know where to go from here.

My therapists suggested a change of scenery. So my immediate thought was to go back to London.

But my mum suggested I go to Seattle and live with Vance for the summer. I don't know if she didn't want me back or what...

And I guess the or what would be knowing who my friends are back home. Knowing temptation would be high and that's not what I need right now.

What I need to focus on is my recovery.

Focus on getting my life together.

Oh and while I've been in here my therapist diagnosed me as being bipolar. Which I had no idea about...but now I'm on meds for that.

I detoxed from my pain meds. And now I am on meds to try and mange my bi polar, my depression, my fucked up head....

And if I'm being honest I do feel better. I don't have the same feeling of acceptance when it comes to death like I did before.

Because truthfully I was okay with it. I was okay going to sleep and never waking up.

Which scares the fuck out of me now that I was in that place.

I don't want to feel that way again. I don't want to go down that road again. Because yea as much as it felt amazing to feel nothing at all.

I was running. I was running from my pain. And having to face it the past 29 days has been eye opening to say the least.

Trauma is a word that I've heard a lot. Along with PTSD.

Essentially my therapist thinks the accident triggered my trauma. And not only do I have PTSD from the accident, I have it from things that have happened to me in my past.

My nightmares.

Basically what I figured out is I'm just really fucked up.

But what I also figured out is distraction....sober distraction that is...has helped to clear my mind. Free my thoughts.

My music. While it's painful and tragic. It's freeing. And over the past 15 days that Ive allowed myself to go there...(the first 10...I didn't want to do anything) I've made some really good music...

And maybe not tomorrow but sometime soon I want to reach back out to the label and see if I can't get back to where I was before the accident. Finish what I started...