After Forever & Ever

After Never Chapter 11

Hardin

My surgery was a week ago today. It went well.

But my pain has been pretty unbearable which has made me miserable. And evidently everyone around me miserable...

I've been staying by Ken's in his guest room since it's on the main level and easier for me to get around. I refused the wheel chair from day 1, and I have been using the crutches even though I'm weak as fuck and it takes a ton out of me to just go from the kitchen to the living room or the bathroom to my room.

I feel like absolute shit 99.9% of my day. And my frustration is at an all time high.

So to say I'm short with everyone, and way more aggitated than usual would be an understatement.

I can't tell you how many times I've snapped....At Ken, at Karen, at Landon....I get it they are all trying to help. Trying to make my recovery easier on me.

But I just want to be left the fuck alone. And that hasn't happened yet.

I'm still trying to process everything that's happened. I know I'm lucky. I get that...I do. But, I am feeling this overwhelming sense of loss that I haven't spoke on yet.

I lost my best friend.

I feel like I'm fucking grieving. Not to mention the poor family who actually is grieving the loss of someone...of a mother...

The woman who died was a 38 year old, single mom of twin 6 year old boys. I can't even think about it too long...it fucks me up.

The whole thing. The whole thing is fucked up.

Zed has sent me a few texts. I haven't responded. I know at his court date he got put on house arrest until his next date in court, and is on a suspension from school with a pending dismissal. I heard he's staying at his sister's house about a half hour away.

The thing is I do want to talk to him. But I don't know what to say. Because as the days have passed on...I've felt more and more guilt.

His hands were on the steering wheel, foot on the pedal, in the driver seat...yes. But we both got in that car. We both had wayyyy too much to drink. We both had no business being on the road.

I could have stopped him. I could have stopped us. And I didn't.

So as sorry as I want to feel for myself. I did this. We did this...

Fuck...I need to leave this room I'm driving myself crazy aagin.

I walk into the kitchen or should I say crutch into the kitchen...and at this point everyone is walking on eggshells with me, so Karen and Landon aren't super friendly when I walk in..

I prop my crutches against the counter and grab a glass so I can get water.

"Here let me help you." Landon steps in trying to grab the glass for me.

"I'm good." I reply grabbing it myself out of his hand.

"Fine." Landon replies backing away.

I move over to the fridge to put water in my glass. I feel the heat of everyone's eyes on my back. I wish they knew how much I hated being here. How much I hate that my life was turned upside down...

I grab my pills off the counter and pop them in my mouth washing them down with the water. I only have 2 pills left...

They are supposed to last me another 6 days.

"I'm going to need to call my doctor and get a refill on my prescription." I tell Ken who just walked in.

He walks over to the pill bottle...and picks it up.