After Forever & Ever

Chapter 97

Hardin-Present

Seeing Emery took my breath away I didn't realize how much I actually missed her until I saw her. I knew I missed her like crazy but it reminded me why I am here and doing what I am doing.

I forgot how much Tessa makes me lose control. I know I shouldn't have slept with her. The second she whispered she loved me I knew what we were doing was wrong.

Did I want to say it back?....yes.
But I know I have to tell her how I feel and that wouldn't have been fair if I said that.  Even though I get us having sex didn't make it any better.

Before we go in I give her the biggest hug because I'm pretty sure after this she will want nothing to do with me....or maybe she will surprise me and be understanding but I don't really know. I guess we will see...

When we arrive my therapist Dr. Graham but she goes by Lacey asks to speak to Tessa alone. I am in the waiting room basically twiddling my thumb trying to stay busy on my phone until Lacey finally comes out to get me.

"Hardin...Tessa and I had a really great talk and I think she has a lot she would like to say to you, are you okay with her sharing?" Lacey asks me.

"Yea go ahead." I reply.

"I wasn't sure what to expect when I came here and then seeing you actually seeing you I don't know if I ever seen you this happy. I just want to know why I couldn't make you happy?" She asks me.

"You did. I was happy but you weren't." I reply.

"What does that even mean?" Tessa asks.

"You once told me you can't fix me....because I'm broken. I tried so fucking hard." Lacy interrupts "Hardin language."

"Sorry, I tried really fricken hard to make you happy but I was never good enough. Anytime you messed up it was fine and I was supposed to be fine with it. But anytime I did...that's it we were over. You fucking broke me Tess. So I might have been broken before like you said but you were also right you couldn't fix me you made sure I stayed broken." I tell her which was super fucking hard to get out.

"Tessa do you understand what Hardin is telling you." Lacey interrupts.

"I didn't mean that Hardin. And I know I pushed you away more than once and I walked away when you needed me most but I want you to let me be here for you." She tells me.

"This is really fucking hard for me to say." Lacey interrupts again.

"Hardin!" She yells.

"I'm sorry....Fuck.. I'm sorry again Umm I don't think I can get better with you. I want so badly when I'm with you to be the best version of myself but the opposite has always been true. I actually don't think you like me very much when I'm not fucking up because then you always have the upper hand. And I just can't be in a relationship anymore where I constantly have something I have to prove. And I get I put you through a lot. So much. So fucking much. And for that I truly am sorry, but I don't see us being together ending well for either of us so as hard as it is I have to let you go." I tell her and saying let you go really got me choked up and I'm trying my fucking best to hold it together.

"So you brought me here to what?.....have a witness to you ending things for good with me?" She says raising her voice.

"Tessa...Hardin wanted to be respectful of your feelings and he has been really trying to find the best way as to not hurt you. Even though we all know choosing to end a relationship is never easy but he wanted to have a place for you guys to both talk through any feelings you have." Lacey tells Tessa which yea trueee I think to myself. I just didn't want to do it just us and risk her walking away or me. Or I don't know this just felt right to me and maybe it wasn't but there is no going back now.

"So why did you kiss me and then sleep with me?" Tessa asks me.

"I...I shouldn't have. I'm sorry." I tell her.

"You're sorry?! You walked into my life while I was engaged to someone else. I ended that engagement for you! Found out I was pregnant with your baby. Went through cancer, your addiction, literally anything you could think of we have been through and you are telling me I wasn't there for you. I'm sorry I think any one thing of what I listed would have been too much for someone but I came back for more. Sorry I didn't get a playbook on how to handle any of it and I didn't always handle it the best I get that....but neither did you. So you are working on yourself...now you are Mr. Perfect. Fuck you Hardin." She yells and is ready to walk out.

"Tessa please....that was really healthy to get out. Have you expressed that before to him?" Lacey asks.

"Maybe not exactly in that way but yes I have told him how I feel. He's the one who always has left me in the dark." Tessa says to Lacey.

"Hardin do you have anything to say about what Tessa said?" Lacey asks me.

"I'm not perfect. I never will be and I won't pretend to be but it's taken me a long time to admit this to myself but we are the definition of toxic. Face it Tess we have always been better apart then together. We have fought it for a long time but I'm not good for you and you aren't good for me. As much as I love you I know I can't be with you." I tell her.

"Can I go?" Tessa asks Lacey.

"Uhh Tessa please I'd like to get you both to get to a better place before ending this session." Lacey replies.

"He's made it really clear there isn't going to be a better place for us." Tessa says and walks out.

"Hardin! Hardin!" Lacey yells as I go after her.

"Tessa wait." I say calling after her. She continues walking well now running away from me.

I finally catch up to her and she stops and then she slaps the fuck out of my face. "Fuck you Hardin! I hate you. I really fucking hate you." She says hitting my chest and then I pull her into me and I don't let go.

"I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry." I say as tears form in my eyes.

I've been through a lot of shit but I feel like someone stabbed me in the heart. I feel like I can't breathe. Fuck this is so fucking Hard.

She finally pulls away from me and I can tell she can barely look at me.

"So now what?" She asks.

"I don't know Tess. I'm not really sure. All I know is I still want you and Emery to be here this weekend and then will just figure everything out I guess." I say to her.

"What do you mean figure everything out?" She asks.

"I don't know just like with Emery and when I can have her that was what I meant." I tell her.

"Your an addict Hardin you'll be lucky if you can get a supervised visit." She says and I know that was probably just to fucking hurt me after what just happened but fuck....really Tess.

I bite my tongue because I don't want to say something I'll regret too. "Whatever Tessa....I'll drive back to the hotel." I tell her.

She doesn't say a word to me the walk to the car....or the drive to the hotel and she disappears to the bedroom once we get there.

Vance didn't know i was ending things but he can tell something is wrong but I also can tell he is scared to ask.

We are supposed to be going to dinner and then they were supposed to stay for a couple songs of my show...not sure if that's still happening. Maybe I should have waited until tomorrow to have this talk but why avoid the inevitable I guess....