After Forever & Ever

Chapter 59

Tessa-Present

My heart breaks knowing all he did for me and for us and I did what I did to him. The room is perfect, everything is absolutely perfect except he's not here.

I know that I have to see him....I have to go to him. I have to tell him how sorry I am. How I'm the one who messed up....not him. I immediately try calling his phone again...still straight to voicemail.

I decide to call Vance. And it also goes to voicemail.

I text Kim to see if she's talked to Vance and she says no. I call Landon he hasn't seen him...

Hours go by and my mom has been helping me get situated with Emery and navigating being home with her.

My mom has actually been a huge help and has offered to be up with her so I can nap but I know I can't sleep I need to talk to him.

Around 6PM there is a knock at my door. I open the door with Emery in my arms and it's Vance.

I am surprised to see him...and it's not like him to just show up.

"Wow Tess she is beautiful, congrats!" He says to me.

"Thank you...I'm sorry I forgot you haven't even met her yet... well I guess no one really has." I say to him.

"It's okay it's been a crazy couple days for you." He says.

"Is everything okay?....I ask noticing his weird demeanor.

"Can we sit?" He asks.

I ignore he said that..."where's Hardin?" I ask raising my voice.

"He is going to be okay...but" I interrupt.

"But what?!! What happened, where is he?" I say yelling as my mom comes over to take Emery out of my arms knowing I am getting very upset.

"He...he tried to take his life Tess." He says and I feel like I can't comprehend the words he just spoke to me and I fall into the chair next to me.

I still can't speak.

"This has nothing to do with what happened between you two...he's been struggling for a long time...we just...we just didn't know." He follows with.

"Is he okay?" I finally am able to get out.

"He's on a 72 hour hold at the hospital and I'm going to be meeting with his doctors tomorrow...but he's going to be okay." He tells me.

I feel like I'm going to be sick I run to the bathroom and I throw up.

When I finally am done being sick I go to the sink and throw water on my face.

This is my fault....I did this to him I think to myself.

My mom knocks on the door. "Tessa are you okay?"

"I'll be right out." I quickly respond.

I come out of the bathroom and sit back down in the chair across from Vance.

"I'm so sorry I didn't want to upset you but I also didn't want to tell you this over the phone either." He says to me.

I know I don't want to know but I have to.... "how did he do it?" I ask.

He takes a deep breath and grabs my hand... "with a gun Tess." He says.

"He shot himself?!" I yell.

"The gun misfired, he didn't get hurt." He tells me.

And I just fall into him and start sobbing. The note was a suicide letter....

"I can't breathe." I say as I start hyperventilating.

My mom rushes over to my side. "Tessa it's okay breathe"

"He's getting help....it's going to be okay." Vance says.

Once I finally catch my breath again I ask Vance "can I talk to him?"

"Not while he's on this hold...but any information I find out with the doctors I will let you know." He replies.

"This is my fault." I finally say out loud.

"No....it's not and he would hate that you are blaming yourself. I told him this is his mental illness and it's not anyone's fault. He's sick, it has a lot to do with his addiction too. He wants to get better he wants to fight this so he can be around for you and Emery." Vance tries to assure me.

"Why didn't he talk to me?" I ask Vance.

"Tessa I don't know...I think it just got really bad in his head that we won't ever understand and he thought this was the only way." He replies.

"If I didn't kick him out or.." I start saying and Vance stops me.

"Tessa stop. You couldn't have done anything different." Vance tries to convince me but I know that's not true.

"I am going to get going but if you need anything from me please let me know." Vance says.

"Thank you and thank you for coming over and for being there for Hardin." I say to him.

"He's my son...your a parent now you know you will do anything for your kids." He replies.

When he leaves I lose it. I can't hold it together I just am sobbing uncontrollably. My mom has put Emery down just to try and console me. She ends up laying on the floor next to me as I cry as she's combing my hair back with her hand trying to keep me calm.

I don't think I've ever experienced this type of pain and hurt before. It hurts so bad. I hate that he thought the only option he had was to die. And that he actually pulled the trigger. If that gun went off he would be gone. The more and more I'm thinking about it the harder it's getting.

I want to put myself in that moment with him. What was going through his mind. Why did he think living was no longer an option?...

Emery is crying and so I go to her and bring her into my bed with me to feed her. I look down at her and see him in her and she is providing me with a weird sense of comfort and hurt all at the same time.

I think back to last night when I sent him those texts and how he responded to the one. Was this before or after I talked to him?

Why did I push him away? I know Vance said I can't blame myself but I do. His pain has everything to do with me. I did this...