After Forever & Ever

Chapter 3

Hardin - Present

I often dream about what life would be like if I stayed. Would this still be my fate? Would I be happy?

Thinking about it is sometimes crippling to me because what if. What if I moved to Seattle with Tessa and we worked. I mean we really worked.

She was her amazing, beautiful self. And I was at my best....

Maybe I would have never gone to rehab...twice. Or try to take my life. Maybe Gio would still be here. All these what ifs and guilt still hangover me.

And in the end I can't take any of it back.

And I think cancer was always in the cards. I still don't know if death has to be. But I feel like I'm on life number three and I am running out of chances.

If I stay and I know that it's not really up to me but if I stay. Can we just work? Can it just be us?

She deserves for me to at least try. I want to live so that she never has to watch me leave again. I want to live for her and this baby.

And am I fucking tired? Yes, every bone from my head to my toe is in constant - excruciating pain.

If death has a feeling I think this is it. And do I want it to go away? Yes. I started feeling like the only way it would is if I gave in and let go.

There is a chance that after surgery I'll need a breathing tube and I don't want that.

I told my mum I'd rather just live semi normal till my last day here. Then be here, unable to talk or move. Fucking communicate with my god damn eye balls.

I don't want that. I still don't want that.

But I don't have a fucking choice. I will die if I don't do it. I know that. They know that. She knows that.

When I wake up Tessa isn't there. Just Vance is.

"Hey" I say as he doesn't notice I'm awake yet.

"Oh you're up. Your mum and Tessa ran to get some coffee." Vance says.

"I gotcha." I reply

"How are you feeling?" He asks

"I feel like if I shot a needle in my arm that wasn't like this one I'd feel a fuck ton better" I say as I point to the IV in my arm.

"Really...Hardin?" Vance says.

"What?" I question sarcastically.

"You look good today though...some of your coloring is back." He says.

"Oh awesome I must look better than I feel....that's good." I reply.

"Maybe you can try going for a walk today like the doctor said..."Vance says.

I haven't made it farther than the bathroom since being out of the coma. And he knows that. So why fucking push it.

"Yea....maybe." I reply with some defeat in my voice.

In walks Tessa and my mum. "Hey you are up!" Tessa says as she leans in for a kiss.

"I was just telling Hardin he should go for that walk the doctor encouraged him to do." Says Vance.

I glance over giving him the look of death.

"That's a great idea!" My mum says.

"Yea Hardin, just you and I can go." Says Tessa.

"Not today." I reply

"I am not taking no for an answer." Tessa insists.

They gave me this stupid fucking cane to get around.

I grab it from next to the bed. And get myself up. Vance and Tessa run over to help me.

"You want me to walk then let me fucking walk" I yell.

"Okay. Okay." Tessa says as she backs away.

I make it out the door of my hospital room and down the hallway to the elevator. Tessa is following close behind.

Luckily the elevator is right by the front lobby to exit the hospital so I head towards the door. I can't fucking push the door open.

Tessa has to push it open for me. "Here...it's okay I'll get it."

The frustration comes over me and the second I get out of the door. I throw the cane. Well whip the cane into the circle drive entrance of the hospital. The valets are looking at me. After I throw it. I move to the closest wall and slide down in it.

I think the last time I cried was when my mum...

But in this moment I couldn't help it. I lost it. Tessa just bent down in front of me and hugged me as I fucking sobbed like a fucking baby.

"It will be okay." She keeps saying.

"Tessa, I don't want to die." I tell her as I look up with tears still in my eyes.

"You won't" she insists as she slides down next to me. Resting her head on my arm thats resting on my knee.

After a few minutes my self pitty turns to anger" Fuck!!!!" I yell startling her off of me.

"What! What is it?" She quickly questions.

"Why, why fucking me?" I question.

"I don't know Hardin. But I do know this isn't it. We are going to beat this and it's going to be okay." She tries to assure me.

"Yea." I simply reply.

"I know there is risk in the surgery, but the risk of you don't....is you aren't going to be here anymore." She says.

"Yea and if it doesn't go as planned I'll be hooked up to breathing tubes and machines for the rest of my life....and at that point just fucking shoot me in the god damn head." I tell her.

"Hardin, stop don't say that." Tessa says.

And I don't want to think that way but I have to. No one else is. Everyone is just like do it so you can live. But I'm sorry if that is going to be my life after then no I don't want to fucking be here.

I don't want Tessa's life to be taking care of me and that's what she would do. I don't want that.

"I love you but this isn't just as easy as live or die. If it was I would choose to live and be with you. But my quality of life is the question and you and Vance and my mum and the doctors aren't fucking getting that." I tell her slightly raising my voice at the end.

Now she starts crying....great.

"What...now?" I ask.

"I just love you and I'm scared." She tells me.

"I'm scared too." I reply.

**this story will have moments of jumping to the past to present. Enjoy! And as always thanks for all your love and comments it does not go unnoticed and why I keep this story going!!!