After Forever & Ever

Chapter 95

Hardin-Present

It's been a long time since I could say things are actually going well for me. I've been here almost a month...And the hardest thing has been missing Emery.

Therapy has really helped me a lot. And obviously I have done therapy before but it was more geared towards my addiction and ptsd.

But now with being bipolar it's helped me understand my episodes a lot better and my depression.

The meds they have me taking are finally regulating my mood a lot better the first two weeks they we're definitely not right and I almost gave up because I was just either super fucking happy or I wanted to kill someone two seconds later....so yea that was annoying.

But these meds actually make me feel pretty good and not like zombie good but functioning....maybe even normal? What sucks is they said I can never not be on my meds. So I guess that's a forever thing. They said my episodes are pretty severe which I mean obviously I knew that but it feels good. Like really fucking good to feel like I have control again of my life.

And I know it's early but I really fucking want this.

If we're thinking of it in terms of my 12 steps I have definitely been honest about my own destructive  behavior. I fucking own that shit. I fucked up... a lot. But then again I don't think I ever denied that. I have always been pretty honest about my fuck ups.

I don't like that I haven't been honest with Tessa which is part of why I wanted her to come here for this family weekend. I don't want to spring anything on her but I do want her to come to one of my therapy sessions and have us sit down together and talk through some shit that way.

Again therapy has been eye opening to me and just being here in general and I need to be honest that I don't know if I can go back to a life together besides just for Emery.

Do I love her?...so fucking much. Have I missed her like fucking crazy?...absolutely.

But when we are together I can't think fucking straight. I feel like she is always waiting for me to fuck up and if I do...there is no grace period she's just done. And that got to me.

And maybe things could be different now that I am clean and my meds are right but who knows maybe she doesn't even want that. I still don't know if I do...

And I don't know that's probably not going to be what she wants to hear. And I don't want to feel like I am leaving her on the hook so if she does decide she doesn't want to wait and figure things out I would respect that.

Tessa texts me 'hey we are going to come for family weekend. I booked a flight for tomorrow it will get into LAx at 12:45PM.'

'I'm glad you decided to come I'll pick you up from the airport.' I text back.

'Okay I'll text you when my flight gets in.' She's texts.

'Sounds good' I reply.

Not going to lie I am pretty nervous about her coming here. I don't want to mess anything up that I have been working on. And I just hope she sees that. I don't want me working on myself to come across as me being a dick or not caring about her or Emery. Because it truly is the opposite of that.

I just want to be a better person and I still have a lot of work left, I just hope one day we can be on the same page and it not feel so fucking hard.

I am supposed to meet with Savannah in a little bit. She did a lot of press for our song and since being back we have been working on a couple new songs. That's helped me a lot too just to keep focused on something I like doing.

We actually have a show tonight it sucks that I have a curfew. We play at 9 then I have to be back by 11PM.

We get to the studio around 5PM. And started messing around with some different sounds.

"Did I tell you I started dating someone?" Savannah says to me.

"Nope." I reply.

"His name is Kade, he's going to meet us here before the show." She tells me.

"Cool." I reply.

Savannah and I have become friends....definitely nothing more than that. I am happy she has a boyfriend because then she could hopefully leave me alone. I've gotten next to no alone time in the studio because she is always here.

"He's kind of the jealous type though so I told him you were gay." She says to me.

I bite my lip so I don't freak out and turn away. "Ummmm okay then." I'm honestly not surprised Savannah is a little crazy so she would say some shit like that.

We start recording and her phone starts buzzing so she goes down to let her boyfriend up.

"Kade this is Hardin. Hardin...Kade." Savannah says introducing us.

"What's up man?" I say to him.

"What up." He replies.

I wonder if he thinks I look gay? Wow I'm really overthinking this...not that it's a bad thing I'm just curious.

We leave and head out to the bar we are playing at. I surprisingly have not been tempted at all. But it brings me back to when I first started playing after rehab in London I was always fine.

Savannah always gets super nervous before we play so I always give her a huge hug and whisper in her ear. "Confidence is a choice. Don't worry about what anyone thinks. You are going to be amazing."

Except this time her boyfriend was staring right at me and I am not trying to fight anyone so hopefully he doesn't start any shit.

The show goes pretty great and we are just hanging out outside when a dude comes up to me. "Hey thank you for the drink!" This random ass fucking guy says to me.

"Uhhh...your welcome." I reply confused as fuck.

"Why don't you join us?" Kade says.

I look at Savannah with the biggest pissed off look I could possibly give her.

"I'd love to! I'm Logan." He says and sits down next to me.

Meanwhile I am still giving Savannah the look of death. And texting her 'I fucking hate you so much right now. 😤'

I endure the pain for as much as I can take then I finally get up. "I have a curfew so I have to go." I say to them.

"Curfew?" Kade questions.

"Ahh yea I'm in rehab." I reply.

As I am walking away Logan follows me.... "hey would I be able to get your number?" He asks me.

"I'm sorry I'm not..."I say and he interrupts.

"I should have known a guy as good looking as you must be straight." He says and walks away.

Alright well that might have been the weirdest night I have had in LA yet.

When I get back to my place I realize the door is cracked open. I look around once I open the door and I see a bag.

"Tessa?" I question as she turns the corner.

"Hi Hardin." She replies.

"I thought you wouldn't be in until tomorrow?" I question.

"I came by myself so we could spend a night alone and talk. And Vance is coming tomorrow with Emery." She replies.

I walk up to her and give her a hug and kiss the top of her head. She starts crying.

I lift her chin up and wipe her tears out of her eyes. I don't know if it was instinct or what but I bend down and kiss her....

I hope that doesn't confuse her, or me, or us....