After Forever & Ever

Chapter 58

[WARNING]- the following contains mentions of self-harm/suicide.

Hardin-Present

Truth is after I left the note and I left Tessa's apartment I thought about a lot of things. And well I have been for a while... I have been depressed for longer than I would like to admit...even to myself. And i guess I got to the point where i felt like I was burning alive and this is the only thing that makes sense...

And i got in my car and I drove to Vance's apartment...I drove up to the top of the parking garage and I just parked I was the only car up there. After a while of just sitting there I got out of my car and went into my trunk and I sat on the edge looking over the city. When I went into my trunk I had grabbed the gun I had. I held it in my hand for a long time.

I knew when I wrote the note I was writing it to say goodbye....

Either I was leaving or  I was going to be gone. And right now in this moment....I am thinking about being gone.

I keep just holding it and thinking about everything I've done....everyone I've hurt. Everyone I'll keep hurting because I am not who they want me to be. I am not who she wants me to be...

I take the gun and I put it up to my temple and I hold it there for what feels like forever.

I feel this sense of calm and silence come over me and I pull the trigger...

....

I hear the gun go off but nothing....

It fucking misfired.

I feel like my heart stops and I drop the gun.

"Fuckkkk" I scream out loud.

I look down and my phone is lit up with a photo of Emery and seeing her was the only thing that stopped me from picking the gun back up and trying again.

She doesn't know it but she saved me.

I text Tessa back and then my phone dies.

I'm hurting more then I have before.... it feels like I can't get past it.

The pain is more than I can take. I have a bottle
of whiskey in my trunk from I don't know when...but I grab it out and I take the biggest swig I can.

The burn is all I want to feel right now. I don't know when but I fall asleep and I am woken up to the sun beating on my face.

I look over and the bottle of whiskey...well empty bottle of whiskey is staring back at me and I hop off the hood of my car and the gun is still on the ground.

I pick it up and open my car door and I place it on the passenger seat. I drive down to a lower level of the parking garage and look at the gun I grab it and I put it in my coat pocket.

I walk into Vance's and he looks frantic.... "what the fuck Hardin....where have you been?" He asks.

I decide to ignore him and I walk into my room and I pack up more of my things.

Vance walks into my room. "Hardin you don't have to go." He says to me.

"Yes I do." I tell him.

"Are you going to keep drinking while your gone?" He asks me.

"What does it matter?" I reply.

"Are you trying to kill yourself?" He asks.

And I guess in this moment this is my cry for help I pull the gun out of my pocket and throw it onto the bed.

Vance takes a big step back and looks at me.

"What the hell Hardin...why do you have that?" He asks.

"I don't know...I don't know why I'm still here..." I tell him honestly...it's like I blacked the whole thing out.

He looks at me with tears in his eyes and just hugs me and doesn't stop.

I have a seat on my bed and he grabs the gun away.

"I need to go Vance." I say as I grab my bag and go to walk out.

"Where are you going?" He asks me.

I ignore him.

"Hardin you can't go." He tries to stop me and I push him out of the way...pushing him way harder then I mean to and he falls to the ground hitting his head off of the table.

It stops me in my tracks and I look over and he takes his hand from behind his head and pulls it away and his hand is covered in blood.

"Vance I'm sorry." I tell him as I help him up.

I go to the linen closet and grab a hand towel to place on the back of his head. It's a pretty big gash he is probably going to need stitches I think to myself.

"What happened last night?" He asks me.

"I don't know." I say brushing him off.

"What about Tessa and Emery...what would they do if you were gone?" He asks me.

"I didn't think about them...I just thought about leaving, just being gone." I reply.

"Don't you get it...we all need you. Your life means more to me than anything in this world. I can't fathom the idea of you not being here." He says to me.

"I just want it to stop." I tell him.

"What to stop?" He asks.

"The idea that this is the only way....it consumes me. It wakes me up at night. I can't do it anymore." I say as I start breaking down.

He's the one bleeding out of his fucking head but he has a seat on the arm of the couch next to where I am sitting and grabs my head and pushes it into him.

"It is going to get better. This....whatever this is that you are feeling. It won't last forever. I promise you." He tries to assure me.

I don't say anything I just sit there as he holds my head into him.

"You are battling a mental illness Hardin...this isn't your fault. Let me help you." He says to me.

I don't say anything for a long time but I know I'm not going to survive this if I don't.
"Okay...." I reply.

For the second time in my life I have been scared to live...but I don't...I don't want to die....

- - -
If you or someone you know is considering suicide, help is out there. Reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. If someone is at immediate risk of self-harm, call 911 or your local emergency number and stay with them until help arrives.