After Forever & Ever

Chapter 60

Hardin-Present

I remember how sunny it was the day I woke in the hospital after my first suicide attempt. It was just as sunny this time and that was what I was most mad at was it being a sunny day...

As a kid I hated sunny days. I loved the rain. I loved storms.

The sun came out and I'm still here.

The doctors keep telling me I'm most likely bipolar and that when I stopped using it only heightened my episodes.

And apparently I was in a severe depressive low and well here we are....

So now they are giving me benzodiazepines or benzos like they are fucking tic tacs and I took them the first day which made me a fucking zombie ready to sing kumbaya. So instead I have been faking taking them the past 2 days.

I don't see how this is going to help me...

I told them I don't want to be on meds when I leave here but after describing some of the things I've gone through over the past few years they have attributed a lot to me being manic or severely depressed....who knew.

I Just want to be happy...you know. Like no bullshit just fucking happy for once.

The 72 hours is almost up and there is a family release meeting scheduled this afternoon. My mum hasn't arrived yet she should be on a plane and scheduled to arrive this evening. So it's just going to be Vance and Tessa.

My doctor wants me to agree to rehab, but I'm not going back. They probably will extend my hold since I'm not being compliant. If they truly believe a lot of the shit I do is because of being bipolar treat it as that, not that I'm an addict. (even though I know I am that too)

I'm nervous to see Tessa....I didn't even want her to know, but there was kind of no getting around that. I don't want her to think it had anything to do with her, because it didn't. If I am being honest I blacked the whole thing out...they keep trying to get me to remember and talk about it. But I remember sitting on the hood of the car and then waking up the next morning. And then being here I don't even remember being at Vance's or pushing him. I blacked it all out.

I guess its time for the meeting. They walk me into an empty room and have me sit down on the fucking floor for what feels like forever....they then walk me into another room that has a conference table and everyone is already seated...the doctors, therapists, Vance and Tessa who I can barely look at...

I have a seat at the empty seat. They start talking about me as if I am not even here.

The doctor is letting them both know they have clinically diagnosed me as bipolar I and that I am not currently showing any signs that I would self-harm again. He then proceeds to tell them that it is his recommendation I go to a rehabilitation facility for 30 days.

This is where I interject. "Yea...I'm not going to rehab." I tell him.

"It's a rehabilitation facility that specifically specializes in your mental illness." He replies.

"Hardin, its to get everything under control and they would be able to monitor you closely and get a handle on your moods." Vance interrupts.

"I'm not going." I simply reply.

"Okay." The doctor says back which surprises me.

"Okay?" Vance questions.

"We can't force him to go, we can only give our recommendation." The doctor replies to Vance.

Vance came with a fucking notepad full of questions...

This is where I start tuning him out.

"Who will he be living with?" The doctor asks.

"Me." Vance replies.

Tessa interjects..."I thought he would be with us." she says to Vance.

Again talking as if I'm not even here.

Finally the one therapists asks me..."Hardin where do you want to go?"

I know probably not the answer they are looking for but I reply..."I don't care."

"His moods might be very mild for the next few weeks so that will be a very normal response to a lot of things." the therapist says addressing everybody.

I nod my head annoyed.

I just start staring at Tessa wondering what's going through her head knowing what I did. I start thinking about if I had been successful I would never have seen her beautiful face again...and that thought alone is hard to bare.

I'm sure her mom is with Emery right now...I can't wait to see her.

Next thing I know the meeting is wrapping up. The doctor lets me know I can be released and that they will send a nurse back to fill out some paperwork.

When I get to leave they give me my shoes back and my hoodie since I couldn't have either because of the strings...

Tessa and Vance are both waiting outside for me.

She rushes into my arms and holds me super tight. I can tell she is scared to say anything to me or let me go.

Which is exactly what I don't want. I don't want everyone to be on egg shells around me. Or treat me like I'm fucking broken.

I ask if we can stop for coffee just to sort of break the ice. Because no one is saying anything.

I decide to go in and grab the 3 coffees just as I am walking out I have the door held open for me and I look up and it's Tessa's ex...fucking Easton.

"Uh thanks man" I say walking away.

He walks to catch up to me.... "I know the baby was born and she only has 30 days to get the paternity test...or I'll pursue further action." He says to me.

I keep walking because I have seen Emery I don't have a single doubt. And I just don't have the energy to deal with that right now...

When I get back in the car they were clearly talking about something they didn't want me to know because they stop talking as soon as I open the door.

"Here's your coffee." I say as I hand each of them their coffee.

We are heading to Tessa's place so I can see Emery. And honestly that's all I want right now... just to see my daughter...

Also, Hopefully things become less weird..Tessa still hasn't said a word to me. I guess I don't blame her I don't know if I would know what to say either...