After Forever & Ever

Chapter 54

Hardin-Present

I leave the room because she is in labor I am not going to argue with her or upset her more. But I am also not leaving the hospital...not even the floor I sit outside her room. I guess I am hoping she changes her mind and that I can be there at least in time to see Emery being born...even though I can't be with her right now to help her through this...I never intended on her doing this alone.

And I guess I don't blame her for kicking me out. I should have been there for her...been at the shower but instead I went and did what I swore I would never do....well again and what I told her she would never have to worry about....again.

When I went outside I was talking to Connor and I told him I messed up...I told him that I instantly regretted it...I mean but obviously it was too late I did what I did.

And it wasn't because of what I just found out I have been fighting this since the day I found out about Tessa's complication. Since I held those pills in my hand...that urge has not gone away.

And today of all days I couldn't fight it anymore. Today of all days I gave in to my demons....

While I am sitting outside Tessa's room Carol comes out. "This feels like dejavu." she says to me.

"What is that supposed to mean?" I question.

"When I was having Tessa I had to kick her father out of the room because of the same reason...." She tells me.

"Don't compare him to me." I reply.

"Don't you get it... the reason I don't want Tessa to be with you is because I don't want her to live the life I did." She says raising her voice.

"I made a mistake its not going to happen again." I tell her.

"How many mistakes do you get to make Hardin....and at what cost to Tessa?" She asks me.

The next thing we know doctors are rushing in to Tessa's room...so I rush in following behind them and so does Carol.

"We have to do an emergency c-section she is losing a lot of blood. Prep for surgery!" He screams at his nurses.

They are moving Tessa around and hooking up more cords and oxygen to her... she looks out of it. I am terrified and I don't know if she actually wants me in the room or not but I am not leaving her side.

They ask me if I am going to be in the room during the delivery and I say yes because again I am not leaving her side. They make me get gowned up and I look like a damn surgeon myself.

They rush her over to another side of the hospital and I am just holding onto her hand she is pretty out of it I am not sure if she even knows I am there but I just keep talking to her. Telling her it's going to be okay and that I am excited to meet our little girl.

I know this is not how she had hoped it would be but I just want them both to be okay and with her complication I am terrified especially since the doctor said she already lost a lot of blood but I am trying my best to stay positive for her and just be there for her.

When we get into the room where they are doing the c-section it all just seems so fast and I feel like I'm watching it all happen and that I am not actually there.

It's the weirdest feeling. But then I am snapped out of it when I hear the cry. Her cry. My daughters cry. I am the first one to see her and I didn't know it was possible to just feel this instant infinite amount of love but it hit me like a ton of bricks. She's perfect.

"She's beautiful." I say as I look over to Tessa.

And then the next thing I know there is beeping and Tessa went from being out of it to non responsive.

"You have to go wait out in the hall." A doctor tells me as he is pushing me out of the door.

"No im not leaving her!" I yell back and he tells me "you have to let me do my job" and closes the door.

I keep backing up until I walk right into the wall behind me and slide down the wall falling to the floor.

My head falls into my hands and I just start sobbing. "Fuckkk" I yell ripping the gown off me and throwing it to the ground next to me.

She has to be okay....

Carol comes walking down the hallway and sees me sitting on the floor. "Hardin....what's going on?!" She yells.

"They....uh made me leave the room. Something went wrong..." I tell her.

She goes to the door and starts pounding on it. "I need to see my daughter." She demands.

A nurse pops out. "We are working on her we will update you as soon as we can. You need to just let the doctors help her." She tells her.

I stand up and surprising myself go and hug her. She sobs into my chest for what feels like forever.

After a while a nurse comes out and asks if we want to go to a room to be with Emery. I was expecting news on Tessa but she said there is still nothing that she could tell us.

But I agree to go be with Emery. Carol says I should go on my own.

The nurse takes me down back to a room by where we were when we first got to the hospital and brings in Emery.

"Does she have a name?" She asks me.

"Yes her name is Emery." I tell her.

"Well daddy here is your daughter, she is a cutie." She says to me as she places her in my arms.

My heart is pounding I can't believe I created this perfect little human and that she's mine.

"I am going to give you this to feed her and give you time to be with her, I will be in as soon as I know anything." She tells me.

"Okay." I simply say even though I am terrified for so many reasons.

I have no idea what's going on with Tessa and I am praying to god she is okay. They just gave me my daughter and trust me to know exactly what to do....and I have no idea what I'm doing.

But I just look at her and she is so innocent and makes me want to do whatever it takes to give her the best life possible.

"Hi babygirl it's your dad. I know you were probably expecting mommy but she will be with us soon and you are going to love her...well you probably already do she's the most incredible person in this entire world. For all of our sakes I hope you take after her and not me." I tell her as I rock her and try giving her the bottle the nurse gave me which she is surprisingly taking from me.

Emery is keeping me calm right now..because truthfully I'm losing it.

Her doctor finally comes in the room. I immediately get up with Emery still in my arms.

"Tessa lost a lot of blood prior to the c-section and during it she experienced a rapid amount of blood loss which caused her body to go into shock...." he tells me but I interrupt.

"Is she okay?!!!" I question not letting him finish.

"She is stable we had to do a blood transfusion and right now we have her sedated in hopes of keeping her blood pressure regulated...you can see her if you would like." He tells me.

A huge sense of relief comes over me. I don't think I have ever been more scared in my life. I'm so fucking glad she is okay. I know she is not out of the woods but she's here. I don't even want to think about her not and I didn't and I refuse to let my mind go in that direction.

And I of course want to see her. I want her to see our daughter. To experience this moment how she wanted....even though that's still not possible right now.

When I go into her room her mom is in there already I bring in Emery and her mom grabs her from me. I go up to Tessa and I grab her hand and lean down and kiss her on the forehead.

I whisper I love you and tell her I need her. I'm probably still losing it but I swear she squeezed my hand.

Carol hands me Emery back and I say to Tessa. "Babe...our beautiful daughter is here and I can't wait for you to meet her."