infinite shades of blue (journal part I)

~71~

I dreamt it
sometime last summer

I was standing in your funeral
you were lying in the casket
but I felt it clear as day
you standing next to me at the same time
your hand in mine
nobody had ever held it so tightly

maybe that's why it hurts so bad now
it is all the love I felt for you in that moment
and it took our mother 18 years
to tell me
I had lost you before even getting to know you

I swore I wouldn't be angry at our parents
for not letting you into this world

but I am sitting on the bus on my way home after the midsummer holidays crying
and I have never been so lonely
I have never before missed someone so much

someone who never even existed