infinite shades of blue (journal part I)

~135~

I hate you you know
but not in ways that you'd think
I hate you not because I loathe you
but because I don't

and when I say I hate you
I don't mean I wish you weren't a part of my life
but rather
I wish I didn't love you so much
so that it would be easier for me to hate you

because it's not
and I don't want to

but you don't hear me
you can't seem to stop hurting me
and you sure as hell do not have the right mind to apologise
and I need that apology you know
I need it because otherwise
who am I to you?

I am so tired of writing the same thing over and over
I am tired of being lied to
I am tired of dealing with your drunk ass
and I am tired of not being able to do anything about it
I am tired of not being heard

parents are not gods right?
you're not a god
but that doesn't mean you get to hurt me a hundred times over and get away with it
it doesn't mean I have to watch you slowly self-destruct
and it sure as hell doesn't justify that you lied
that you did not quit drinking for me
that you did not stay

I don't ask you to be a superhero
I never have
I ask you to be a mom
because I don't deserve to carry around your guilt and your lies
I don't deserve this pain