for someone who hasn't even graduated college yet
we sure as hell talk about death a lot
we joke about death
my best friend and I
actually about a third of the thoughts that run through my head throughout the day are in fact about death
we were sitting in the kitchen feasting on a semi-delicious watermelon and she asked if I wanted more ice with my green tea
and I caught myself repeating in my head you're not suicidal you're not suicidal you're not suicidal
aren't I though?
last week my therapist asked me what was the one thing I needed her to help me with the most
I told her I needed her to stop this
I needed her to make the thoughts go away
I needed her to turn back time to that september night three years ago when I made the first cut
I needed her to undo my actions
I know she isn't capable of doing that
I know a therapist isn't supposed to fix what I've done
but sometimes I have no idea what I'm doing in that poorly decorated room with only two armchairs and a table separating them with a box of tissues and a calendar on top of it
the first time I walked into that room I swore to myself I'd never make use of those tissues
I wouldn't cry
I cry when I'm alone instead
I fight the urge to hurt myself and it suffocates me so I lose my breath and my heart starts to race
I try not to dwell on the fact that I'm having an attack by holding on to the good things
I've made a list of them to keep me awake
I wipe at my eyes and go about my day as if nothing ever happened
it's a never ending cycle
which probably is the reason why I think of death all the time
