infinite shades of blue (journal part I)

~79~

it's always the moment right there on the edge

the moment before giving up on myself
before taking that step of complete self-destruction as if I couldn't live if I didn't let myself down to the fullest

and that moment
it should be my second chance and I've been given plenty of those in the past
I always always get it

and I never take it
I turn the other way
I eat another tube of ice cream or drink another redbull or smoke a cigarette or lay in bed for hours
I don't ever take the second chance

I haven't even tried
not once

perhaps I put too much hope into this summer or perhaps it's too early to tell
it's only one thing I am sure of
I am trying
for the first time I am genuinely trying