infinite shades of blue (journal part I)

~112~

mom thinks you could do better
she says you're too stingy
she says the fact that you have to pay your construction workers thousands a month doesn't apply to me

I do the best I can, dad, I promise
I tell her that no matter how much you earn
it is still a struggle to build a house
I tell her that you finally get to live your dream
and that you've got to be careful with how you spend

yeah
you know how she is
unlike you mom hasn't changed a bit
it is still impossible to change her mind
I think she's just bitter somewhere deep down that it isn't her
that you screwed each other over like that
and now it's the way it is

just know that I know you're doing your best, dad
you always have
and I have always known it
and whether you've succeeded or not doesn't even matter at this point
money wise I'm just grateful that I got to get away
that I get to have my own place
thank you for that

otherwise
I'm happy for you
the both of you
I love Martha very much
and I want all the best for you
I want you to have your own little paradise
a pond and a sauna and the ski tracks
I want you to have everything you've ever wanted
and then some

but it's not mine, dad
you always say it is
and you correct me when I say your home
but it's not, dad
it's not my home
my home was back then
after you picked me up from preschool and we came home to dinner mom had made
I am your past
I am a guest
I will always be a guest