infinite shades of blue (journal part I)

~144~

it took me years to admit it
my mother abandoned me

it is a terribly scary thing to say
and it peels off your layers one by one so that in the end
there is nothing left of you
except the truth

I've had these questions for years
none of which have been answered

why did you leave me?
why was it easier for you to move cities than to stay with me and figure things out?
why was it so easy for you to give up the chance to raise me?
why did you swap me for a possibility of more money?
why didn't you stay when I asked you to?

I know that you love me more than life itself
and that it in fact is still very true
it always has been
and while you have brought worlds to my feet
stuffing me with everything I've ever wanted
you are never there for me
you never show up for me when it isn't convenient for you
you don't go out of your way to be the mother I need you to be

and the more time passes
the more I fear that it's too late
you have lost me
and I have lost you

I guess the most painful thing of all is that I cannot call you when I just simply need to talk to someone because so often
after talking with you over the phone
I feel so much worse than before
and I can't explain it
and I hate it

I suppose it's the way you say things
the way you assume you know everything about me
that you know me at all
the way you talk shit about my father
the way you agree to everything I say just because you feel guilty
and the way you dismiss me whenever I talk about things that are important to me

but then
all I have ever wanted is for you to care
and the fact that you don't is the most cruel thing anyone has ever done to me
you can lie however you want and swear that you do
but you did not quit drinking for me
you did not ask me
not once
how I've been
you did not stay for me

you were not there for me when I needed you mom
that is all