infinite shades of blue (journal part I)

~140~

in retrospect
I could write about many things when it comes to my life
I could write about my parents' divorce
I could write about my diagnosis
I could write about the irreversible effects that art school left on me
I could write about self-harm
and how I still haven't learned to love myself

but I have written about those things every other day of my life
I have gushed blood of them
I have spent restless days and nights wallowing in the things that have broken my heart

so instead
I will write about how I got a job
and how I'm living an independent life in my own apartment
and how I have become immersed in language through and through
and how I'm studying to become better and better at using my words
and how fulfilling that is for me
the thought of becoming the best writer I could possibly be
the notion that I am doing this for me

of all things
this may well be the most important one
that no matter the fact that I don't remember the last time I was happy
I am here
making myself step out of the bed every morning
pushing through the mud
inhaling and exhaling
for me

and even though I don't know how to love myself
I have learned to recognise the simple joys without whom there is no life
and no me