infinite shades of blue (journal part I)

~120~

I have always wanted you to forgive me
the way things ended
it has cast a shadow over me wherever I've gone for years

you know
there is this book
it's called
We Do Not Talk About the Eight Grade
I have never read it
but I've always kind of associated it with us
and how it all went down
without having a single clue what the book is actually about

we haven't talked about the eighth grade
you and I
and yet
somehow time seems to have worked wonders for us
the first time I felt it was when your mother hugged me on your 18th birthday
I never got to tell you how much that meant for me
I feel like out of all people
she may had hated me the most

and then on New Year's
when it was just us
you told me teenagers say a lot of shit they don't mean
and surely
I never meant those awful things I said all those years ago
but the weight of those words doesn't just disappear
and you know it all too well

I cost us our friendship
and let me just tell you
you were a dear friend of mine
a good one
and there were things I could tell you that only you would understand
for having gone through the same maze of an illness
and only when I'd lost you did I realise how much I needed that
to have someone who understands firsthand what it's like to be sick
to have to come to terms with a diagnosis

I think we would've been best friends to this day if it weren't for my stupid mistake
I truly believe that
and I want you to know that I am willing to fight for this friendship
whatever is left of it anyway