~86~

4 1 0

by its_petrichor

by its_petrichor

you know there is always this one question that lingers in those mental health questionnaires or when I went to see my therapist for the first time or that one time when we were in austria and martha and I were sitting in the car in silence

she asked me this
What are you most afraid of?

I said
myself
I lied
although it's a close second
I'm most afraid my resentment towards my parents won't allow me to love my future siblings the way I'd want to
I'm afraid I won't learn to forgive them for what they did and as a result I will put this anger out on the kids my father will have with my step-mom

and then martha went and actually did it
she brought a puppy home
named him Brother
she said
I can feel it in the way you move around the house
your anger
well
now you have him
your little Brother

I can get frustrated with this woman so very easily about a million things
the air would be strained and I'd loathe the thought of going near her on the worst days

but no one else has ever showed me their love as much as she does
no one else has ever said to me
I'm sorry you didn't get to meet your brother
I'm sorry you have to go through this
here's a little Brother for you

and after all of these years of god knows how many ugly things that I've kept a secret
this is all I've wanted to hear
that someone sees me
sees through me
notices the way I walk and talk and look at someone who's done me wrong

and I know dad's right
I can't be mad at my mother that it isn't her
after all
parents are not gods
and thank god for that because otherwise we'd never be able to forgive them