infinite shades of blue (journal part I)

~167~

the thing with you has always been fairly simple
I can only let you go when you're not around
I can forget about you easily when I don't have to see your face
I can almost convince myself that you were just a stupid childhood crush
that I am not in love with you

and then I see you
you're standing at a distance
across the stadium
I can only make out your silhouette with my poor ass vision
but that stance
I could recognise it anywhere
and is that a new hair colour?
your hair didn't use to be so reddish brown
or maybe it's the soft glow of the sun
playing tricks with my eyes

what I'm trying to say is
the participants whom I was supposed to pass drinks to as they ran by
I missed a couple of those as my eyes were constantly travelling to you if they didn't have to be anywhere else
I looked at you all day
and if you weren't there
I looked for you from the considerably safe distance
and all the while
I was accompanied by my oldest friend
the bittersweet sting of the notion that this is all I get

but I guess the saddest part was when I saw you packing up your things and the tent
and I looked at the time
and it was only four
and I realised I'd have to spend another three hours here without you
and what comes as a disappointment to admit is that
my day automatically sucked
it began to suck after you left
and I hate everything about that
I hate that you still have this effect on me
I hate that we don't talk anymore
I hate that I see you

I hate that I love you