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by its_petrichor

by its_petrichor

for some reason I can't seem to shake the feeling that if I don't write about this
it is going to get progressively worse by the minute

so here I am
stopping it
putting an abrupt end to it
let's not entertain this any longer

November has barely started and I have already told at least three people that I hate Christmas
and don't even let me get started on my roommate playing Christmas songs literally a day after Halloween

I am an asshole

no
this makes no sense
let me start from a different angle

I think I hate Christmas because I haven't been wanting to be alive lately
and that doesn't necessarily mean I hate Christmas
I don't
at least I don't think I do
I've just been saying it out loud to downplay it
to make others feel stupid for being excited about Christmas
just because I can't deal with who I have become

therefore
I am an asshole

there
makes more sense now

because the thing is
right
that it's so unfair to hate on the most wonderful holiday just because I haven't been happy for a long time
and how is that unfair?
it's unfair to me
it's abnormally unfair to me
because I've always loved Christmas
there've been years when the thought of Christmas had been the only thing keeping me going
and so the amount of unfairness packed into the fact that I've robbed myself of it
is unbelievable

lately
I've been plenty of unfair to myself you know
to the point of crying
to the point of thinking about cutting again

and then
if we've come down this far
I might as well admit that I hadn't visited home for a month
told dad it wasn't a good idea to spend hours on public transportation during a lockdown
when in reality I didn't want him to see that I've gained weight and think that I've turned into a lazy binge-eater and that without him
I'm just a failure
nothing more

when I'd realised how fucking pathetic that was
I wrote an apology to myself
even my self-loathing ass could recognise the absolute fuckery behind this nonsense

I did end up going last weekend
and I did something I am immensely proud of
so allow me this moment
I deserve it

dad
when you asked me when the last time I'd gone running had been
for the first time in my life my first thought wasn't

gotta do better
gotta eat less
gotta exercise more so that I'd be good enough for you to love me

instead
at long fucking last
and I will use all the swear words I want
it was

fuck you
you self-loving piece of shit
I will no longer allow you to belittle me and make me hate myself just because you can't love me for who I am

so that was that
and
okay
it's rough but it'd been a terrible ass week
and that one monstrous Thursday hadn't really left my bubble yet
and I'd come so fucking close to the edge
and at this edge
I was crying on the bed
my arms wrapped tightly around myself
trying desperately and without results to get it into my head that if I keep going like this
I might as well just not
I might as well do the deed and end it
because that really is the next step
there is not a place lower than this
regarding a human being and their ability to live in harmony with themselves

I saw a lot of things for what they are while standing on that edge
one of them being
I gotta stop letting other people treat me like shit
even if they don't mean it
I am the one who draws the line
I am the one who feels the deadly sting of others' words
so I gotta be the one to say

no
stop that shit
don't ever say that to me again

even if it takes an insane amount of courage

fuck it you know
my life is on the line
now it's my turn to tell others to do better