infinite shades of blue (journal part I)

~104~

so the grand conclusion

today was a terrible ass day
I found myself being disappointed in me over and over again
I was angry
I was frustrated
I binged and I smoked and I cried
but that is not the conclusion

the conclusion is
and I have to make a mental note of this
that there are going to be bad days
and that on those bad days I may not check all of the stupid little things I've written down in my lists
and that it's okay

dear lennie it's okay
it is beyond okay to be weak and sad
it is okay to miss a day of non-stop hustle
you do so much
you are not a failure

I know at this point there is nothing I can tell myself to fix this
but there has to be a point in time
a sort of a line you know
at which I will finally stop and think

wait
this isn't right
let me do this another way

and then actually do it another way
to actually treat myself in a way that isn't driven with an intent to change my every flaw

I wrote an apology to myself today
I hope one day I will be able to accept it
if not for me
then for my nine-year-old self
so that the way she fought the disease so bravely and restlessly
wouldn't be for nothing