infinite shades of blue (journal part I)

~200~

it's been years
penzu still sends flashbacks to my spam box of those entries I wrote in the journal I accidentally locked forever
I don't look into that box all that often
but when I do
my heart still bleeds a little every time

I am glad I lost that journal
I'm glad I cannot read it
cannot look at it
cannot return to it every other month or so
and wallow in my self-pity
this loss did me a world of good
I got my entire life back

but I do sometimes wonder about that girl
who she was and what she was going through
it's been so long that it's hard to believe that girl is me
and if I am so proud of her for having gotten this far
how come I cannot say the same about the girl I am now?
could it be that some time has to pass again?

maybe
probably

but I don't want to spend the rest of my life waiting for myself to love me back