infinite shades of blue (journal part I)

~185~

I try not to think about home
about the old hangouts
new year's
summers at the lab
me at the lab
she is confident and precise
she is kind and diligent
she is my favourite

the first weekend I went over to dad's new house I fell in love
I fell in love with the heated floors and the practical shelves and the kitchen unit
I fell in love with the morning glow and the sight of my dad on the snowmobile
and the ski tracks
my god the ski tracks

but the place as a whole
it scares the shit out of me
it haunts me
it takes the shape of mom's dinners and the green carpet in my old bedroom and the shape of an entire city
and it laughs into my face
this is what you get for the price of 18 years of your life

the human part of me wants to think that's a bit unfair isn't it?
but the part of me who understood a long time ago that there's no such thing as unfair says
that's just life
and then you know there's also the part who'd give ten times as much
my own life
just so that the people I love the most in this world could have everything

I don't need a better reason to learn to love that place
I have to
for dad
for Martha too
god knows I couldn't live without her

I just want them to be happy
at any cost
I want them to take what they will and move on without me
I want a life of my own
away from prison
I want to forgive them and I want them to forgive me
for everything
I want them to believe me when I say I'm sorry