infinite shades of blue (journal part I)

~160~

there has been an excruciating absence of writing in my life lately
I know what that means
essentially

but I'm having trouble figuring out whether that really is because I've been moderately okay or I'm just keeping myself from writing things for the fear of saying things you know

and I know I'm not okay
but I also am
because things certainly could be worse
but then again I'm not sure in what way
and on the surface I feel fine
but not really
and it's been like this for weeks or months or however long
I can't remember anymore

that is my completely unnecessarily long way of saying that I don't remember the last time I was okay
I am sometimes
but sometimes just isn't good enough

I've been on my dumb shit again
making deals with my body
gaslighting it into believing that it's fine to skip breakfast and then lunch
counting hours how long I can go without eating
you would be surprised

the bottom line is
I'm getting a second job in August so I could afford therapy
god knows I need it

I've been spending a lot of time alone too
haven't gotten any better at it
only worse
can't even wash a mug without plugging my ears closed and blasting what I call my lifeline on the fullest
can't hang the laundry
can't work
can't do anything in the quiet

I have ran so far away from the core of my being that my heart is starting to bleed
I didn't even have anything to say today
I wouldn't have written this down if it wasn't for my bleeding heart crying out to me
for the love of God write something

and so I did
I am an English major after all
a kid who fell in love with language when she was ten
I'm not made for abstinence when it comes to writing
which leads me back to my point that whatever doors I have closed
I need to open them back up because otherwise
I'll explode
and it will be just me
crawling on my knees
picking up the pieces of my broken writer's heart from the floor