infinite shades of blue (journal part I)

~119~

used to go on morning runs at 7 am in minus 15 degrees Celsius
now 10 am is an early morning for me
and even then I can't quite wake up until I've had a coffee
and smoked a cigarette

it is not to say that I've been doing significantly worse than before
but rather that maybe this is just who I am maybe I've got more of mom's genes in me after all
and maybe this is how I cope with hating every second of existing
every cell of my body

I know this isn't what my father would want for me
but then again
he never quite knew what I wanted in the first place
nobody does
myself included