infinite shades of blue (journal part I)

~111~

it's six in the evening
it always is when I get the urge to call you

I hadn't eaten in 24 hours

you know
I would like to just talk to you
about anything
about any of the stupid things we talk about once a week over the phone

it is always you who calls
I don't anymore
it is the only way I have left to show you that it wasn't okay what you did
and that I haven't moved on
I swear I would if I could

and I would call you tonight
and my name on your screen would perhaps make you smile
and we would have a laugh
but I will not call, dad
because there is money and there is resentment and there are things I cannot put into words
you would ask me how I've been
and I'd have to lie
and the thing is
I can't anymore

I'm so tired of lying