infinite shades of blue (journal part I)

~147~

there is the pain of stubbing your toe against the corner of your bed
there is the pain of slicing off a piece of your finger
there is the pain of running your hand through your hair which no longer covers the bald spots
there is the pain of tending to your self-harm wounds

and then there is the pain after that one phone call
I will never forget that phone call
nor the way I gripped the clothing above my heart and struggled to breathe
I will never forget how
for the first time in my life
emotional pain had materialised into physical pain
and how I could literally feel the hope of you ever understanding me leaving my body

it's been months
I want you to know that even after all this time
I am not ready to let this go
because there are things I need to say to make you see why this is so important to me and why that phone call and everything you said was so heartbreakingly irreversible

we had that talk just before I took the job
you told me
don't do something that is of no interest for you just because of the chance of getting more money
these were your words
I remember them

and the next day
as I was tricking myself into believing that I can in fact write productively about a topic I know nothing about and virtually do not care about not even a little bit
I remembered your words
I put them together with the inner voice telling me
do not sell your talent
do not give up your passion
in that moment
I knew I couldn't take the opportunity

and so I called my boss and told her I wouldn't do it
and I explained to her my point of view and she understood me and respected my choice

which is something that cannot be said about you
among many other things
you blamed my irresponsible decision on a hangover I did not have
and it hurt me terribly that you would think I'd wasted a career opportunity for something so quaint and ridiculous as a fucking hangover
you should truly know better
you should know better the person you've raised
after all I am your daughter

you told me I'd wasted a chance of useful writing experience
as if you've ever been interested in my writing experience and had even the slightest idea of the writer that I am
and here is what you don't understand
it wasn't about experience
it wasn't about setting a foundation for a writer career
it was about me
and the role that writing plays in my life
it was about my sole passion standing above everything that is dear to me and everything that I love in this world
and how I wasn't going to exploit it
writing about something that brings me no joy
I wasn't going to sell my passion for a career I did not burn for
I'm sure you can relate to that

and then
well
you truly did a number on me
you think you can have everything
without having to fight for it

you said that
you said it to a kid who's been sick her whole life
who's fought for the only thing she wants with a burning heart every single fucking day of her life
and who's been robbed of it more times than she could count
you said it to a kid who doesn't know what it means to have something for free
who doesn't own a single fucking thing she hasn't worked for

could you go back in time and say those same words to your bald ten-year-old daughter?
could you tell her that her fight doesn't mean a thing?
you killed me that day
I haven't felt a thing since I hung up on you
you belittled my entire existence
you kicked me while I was already down
you squeezed the life out of me
you extinguished my flame

and to this day
I cannot comprehend why you would encourage me to do right by me one day and shame me for it the next?
because you saw how much I'd had to drink on my birthday?
was that your excuse for being a terrible father?

and it wasn't just a stupid argument
it wasn't something I could forgive the next day or ever
and I am not over-exaggerating
and whatever you might say
you are not right
not this time
you do not get to decide the immensity of the consequences your words have left on me

because that day
you showed just how little you know me
how little you care about the things that are important to me
how little you trust me to make the right decision for me
and how much you underestimate me
my strength
and my fight
the fight that continues day and night
the same fight you do not see nor endure
and so you do not get to disrespect it
you do not get to hear about my struggles
and you do not get to read my work for you are not worthy of it

not after that day
and even though I am fully aware that you will not understand
and that I do not have the kind of words to explain
I can still tell you that I couldn't breathe
and I couldn't stop crying
and I couldn't move
and I could never look at you the same ever again