infinite shades of blue (journal part I)

~198~

I ran across a picture of the boys the other day
they looked so beautiful
so happy

it'll be four years in three days
I still think about it you know
if not every day then
well

If I could just listen to you play
I would still feel it
is all I'm trying to say
and yeah
I guess I don't care that much anymore
and it's been some time since I turned off the post notifications
but if I stood in that front row
I would still love you the same
and what a relief
not to have been wrong about that

I do
I love you like that 16-year-old girl you showed up for
because that girl grew to be 17 and 18 and 19
that girl is 20 now
she got a scholarship to her dream program and she moved to the big city
she got a job
she writes
she's going to spend the rest of her life doing what makes her want to be alive

she's going to
because you were on that balcony with her
telling her to take a step back
whispering in her ear how much life there is left to live
how many breathtakingly beautiful moments worth staying alive for
she had you for that spring
she had you for that entire year
and the one after that

yeah she loves you alright
sometimes she forgets
but then she catches a glimpse of her right arm in the bathroom mirror where the tattoo is
she can't remember the last time she heard a song of yours
but my god
that love
the love she has for you has never and will never fit her body

people say you grow out of these things
they say some time will pass and it'll be just a picture on your wall
nothing more

well some people are just boring
some people don't have two birthdays
and I am happy for them