infinite shades of blue (journal part I)

~142~

loneliness for me goes way back to when I was a kid
I didn't know how to talk about it back then
but with time
it all has become clear as day
I was a lonely kid

I don't want to be that person who blames everything on their parents' divorce but unfortunately I will have to be
there has always been this hole in the storyline
and now I know how to fill it

my loneliness stems from being sent back and forth between houses
it started when I was the only one around to witness my drunk mother
it started in my room back at dad's where I never quite knew how to go up to him and tell him I haven't been doing that well
the loneliness was always there
creeping around the corner
eventually I was convinced it was my disease
my diagnosis after the other

the day you left me was not the day it hit me
it wasn't until weeks or months or years later when I was cursed to my green carpet
tear stains all over it
and I didn't have anywhere to go
no shelter
no place to breathe
no mother
only my four walls
reeking of doom and abandonment

and it was then that I discovered
my loneliness is my mother
my loneliness is missing her every waking second of my days
my loneliness is the thought of her leaving me behind without looking back
and how seeing her once a month over a weekend is so much worse than not seeing her at all

a lot of time has passed
I'm not a kid anymore
I don't need my mother to ease me to sleep
except that I am
except that I do
and it will always be this way
I will always miss her
no matter the fact that she lives 20 minutes away now
and that we play board games every Tuesday
and that she's quit her excessive drinking

she didn't do it for me
it will never not hurt that she didn't do it for me
and I will always be lonely
because the time she should've spent getting to know me will never be filled
it will never be given back