infinite shades of blue (journal part I)

~176~

I was sitting in front of the screen
trying to drown out the blinding pain and figure out whom do I text and say
hey
my best friend is also my worst friend
what do I do?
and then I realised it'd be you

today would be the day I would call you and cry over the phone
and you'd probably say some dumb shit in an attempt not to sound cringe
and it'd be enough for me because I'd know you loved me

but apart from that
I would've called you the day I was pulling dead strands of hair out of my head while lying on the bed paralysed
I would've called you the day they told me I'd have to go on meds

I would call you every day if I could
it would annoy the shit out of you
and you'd probably hate me for it
but not really because at least you'd know you had a sister who loved you more than any other living being on this planet

and I swear you'd know it
there'd be none of that she causes me a lot of pain but she must love me because she is my sister bullshit
you would know
you'd know because of reason A and B and C
you'd never have to question whether the person you grew up with cares about you at all
I'd make sure of it

because you know it's a lot like that without you here
and every single bit of me is certain you would've been nothing like her
I know it sounds awful and unfair
but you'd never be that shitty to me
this is something I know

yeah it's easy to imagine what you would've been like and idolise you in my mind
but that's all I have of you
the hope that you would've been the brightest most precious little being who had the capacity to save me

I wouldn't need no indie bands
no shitty best friends to save me
if I had you