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by its_petrichor

by its_petrichor

I have been good to myself lately
I have been taking every meal
apart from today's breakfast maybe
but I am willing to forgive myself for that

in a much needed attempt to try and break my never ending cycle of unhealthy self-criticism
I am ready to admit that I am not entirely a failure
I have kept my budget place
surely at that
I did well
I did the best I could
and my best turned out to be plenty

I don't often feel this kind of pride for myself
never in fact
but this time
I will allow it
because I deserve to be proud of myself
I am so proud I could cry

when I think about language I could cry
when I think about my books I could cry
when I think about all the worlds and all the people I've created from nothing
I could cry

and sometimes I cry when I write
and when that happens
it is a bittersweet reminder that when I write
it is the only time I don't entirely hate myself
the only time I catch the smallest of hope that there might come a day when I fall in love with myself

writing
it is exciting
it is fulfilling
and it is eye opening
and it is hard
and yet
it comes with the utmost ease
writing is a wise friend
writing is a relief
writing is home

it is enough for me
the notion that I could just write
for the rest of my life
and do nothing else
it is enough
I think I could be alright
even in sickness
if I could just write

my stories
they are bits of my heart
they are so entirely mine
no matter how good or bad

take the one I wrote all through my teen years
it is almost unbearably dark and heavy
what with self-harm and attempted suicide
and I haven't touched it for years because even I can't believe I wrote something like that
but it was me
no I never lived the life of my main character
and her story is much different from my own
but the pain was real

the pain was always real
it was
it is
and it always will be

the one I've been writing for the last couple of years about two siblings mourning another

yes
the pain
it is apparent
it is merciless
and it is real

but that
in its own
is what a writer does
feels
and then writes
feels again and again and again
and writes
writes when ready
writes to heal
sometimes feels so much
but writes so little
but never the other way around

because a writer is not a liar
because you can't write what you don't feel