infinite shades of blue (journal part I)

~45~

you asked me this morning if I wanted to join you and your fiancee at your new house this weekend

I knew my answer the moment you asked

and then you went on about how it's our soon-to-be home and how there is a lot of work to be done and how you'll spare me a room for when I come to visit after I go to college

the thing is dad

it will never be my home

my home is here

my home is this two-bedroom apartment that you both loathe so much and always look for ways to get out of

my home is this beautiful city where I was born and where I went to school and where I grew up

where I fell in love for the first time

I don't keep you from moving on and starting a new life somewhere new

fulfilling your dream of building a house for your family

but those are things you promised my mom

I remember when I was little I used to ask you if you'll get me a dog when we move into a house so that it can run around our yard and keep us safe

I stopped asking a while ago when I realized I won't be around long enough for you to keep your promise

I know you think I'm making a big deal out of this

I'm not trust me

I'm old enough to understand that my mother and you are better off without each other

I get it

I was there on the floor playing with my legos while you fought every night remember?

but please don't make me feel entitled to get excited about buying new furniture and cutlery and decorating the bedrooms and picking out wall colors

while my mother is still in a one-bedroom apartment going to work she hates every day and being with someone who is still married to his wife even though my mother and he have been seeing each other for the past six years