infinite shades of blue (journal part I)

~123~

recently
it was my one year anniversary of being clean of self-harm
that was ten days ago

ten days
I was quiet for ten days

so much anger
such disappointment
in myself

I fought the urge to slice my skin open every day for a year
and I didn't even pat myself on the back
no good job girl or you did great
only better get to losing those few extra pounds

is it me?
am I really the villain?
where is the point where I finally stop blaming my father
and start holding myself accountable?

the messed up thing is
I am the only one who knows what it took from me to be where I am today
I am the only one who knows what that first time of the needle against my skin felt like
the only one who knows that fucked up feeling of release
of merciless addiction
the only one who was there when I held my hands under boiling hot water to rid myself of the demon who was telling me to grab a knife

and to think this day would come when I'm finally free
and I wouldn't even acknowledge it

I remember that day
the day of my one year anniversary
the sentence who the hell cares? had never rolled quite so easily off my tongue before

but you know what
I do
I care
of course I fucking do
who am I kidding?
yeah nobody besides me would ever understand it so what?
so fucking what lennie

you did that
you fucking did that
take the fucking credit
be fair to yourself this once

do you remember all those times you were so scared it would never end
you were terrified
you were your own biggest nightmare
your own prisoner

and now look at you
a year later
clean

you are clean lennie

own it