infinite shades of blue (journal part I)

~150~

I've noticed how with time the hurt doesn't go away
soon it will be a year
and no matter how much I'd like to shut up
I find myself pathetically unable to

do you think it's insane that I feel like we've lived a whole life together?
do you think it's mad that when I remember events from the past I feel almost certain that you were there?
that I remember your face
your attitude
your voice

I remember your voice brother
I remember how I told you my secrets
I remember how you laughed when I told you I was in love with our childhood best friend
I remember how you cried when you got your heart broken for the first time

I swear I'm not crazy
it's just that I've always wanted you to be there
I've always felt like there was something missing
the way I've grieved you since I found out is equal to that of a lifetime

I am a writer you know
I have no problem imagining what you would've looked like
inventing nonexistent scenarios
thinking up conversations that never took place
giving life to someone who never lived

I remember the first story I wrote
the main character Catherine had a brother
he betrayed her

the second story I wrote
Elsa had a brother too
he didn't love her

the third one even worse
Brooklyn blamed Alaska for Skyler's death

and now
the entire story is based on a sister and and a brother alone
an entire story
my mind finally having worked its way up to the top of the mountain of subconscious grief
is based on the broken relationship between two siblings

you were there all along Emile
mom said that would've been your name
I have written about you my whole life without even knowing
I have written it all down
it's right there
black on white
the way I miss you
the way I grieve you
the way I love you
my stories are nothing but my way of putting into words what cannot be said otherwise

in my stories
if nowhere else
you exist
in my stories
you are alive
you are there
and I take your hands
and I put my life into them
and I trust you will never drop it